I recently took a trip to Central Europe. Wow! What a beautiful place to be. My wife and I went to Budapest, Hungary and several other countries. Talk about a therapeutic journey! I still can’t get over the beautiful buildings, rivers and parks. We had a great time trying different foods, trying to speak the languages and participating in the local attractions and events. While I was there we met with a local therapist, Ildiko. It was interesting to talk with her about her therapy practice and what the people are like in this country. She mentioned that she does a lot of therapy by walking with clients through the forest by her office and that the power of nature helps heal her clients. As a therapist in Provo, Utah, I have found that there is something powerful about nature here as well. Being in the mountains, hiking through the forests or desert or being around the rivers or lakes can bring immense peace and healing in life. There seemed to be so many similarities between what her clients need and what mine need. It really spoke to me of the common needs that all people have, whether they are in Budapest, Hungary or the United States. People crave connection with others. People want to feel loved and appreciated and take care of. This therapist and I are doing the same work 6000 miles apart from each other. In a post-communist country, the needs of these people are just the same as the people in Utah County. They need each other.

Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

Affairs in a marriage are all too common. Studies have found that up to 25% of men and 15% of women report having sex outside their marriage (Lauman, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994). Infidelity in marriage is the most frequent reason that couples give for divorcing each other and marriages where an affair has taken place are twice as likely to end in divorce (Amato & Rogers, 1997; Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001).

If you are reading this you might be in a marriage plagued with the disease of infidelity. If you come to couples therapy you will be among the 1/3 of couples who do so because of an affair (Whisman, Dixon, & Jonson, 1997).

Many professionals conceptualize and treat injured partners (the partner who has been cheated on) as trauma victims. An affair is a traumatic event and the way the injured partner reacts can be similar to someone who has gone through a war or terrifying event. They have many behaviors consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. They feel a loss of control and safety in their relationship. They might have feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, confusion, betrayal, hurt and shame.

With the advancement of technology, infidelity has adopted many forms that were not possible in our parent’s generation. Researchers have found that in the case of online infidelity close to 25% of these couples divorced and nearly 66% of the injured partners lost interest in sex with their partner (Schneider, 2002).

As a marriage therapist over the years, I have worked with couples who have experienced many types of infidelity. Interestingly enough, everyone’s reactions to infidelity differ based on their assumptions about their marriage and their individual capacity to deal with difficult emotions. What might be devastating to one injured partner, is not as damaging to another.

Several factors help in the recovery of infidelity. The more the participating partner (the one who participated in the affair) can be honest and open about what happened the better. Talking openly and freely about the infidelity will help the injured partner start to recover. However, speaking openly in this manner without remorse or guilt seems to do more harm than good. A nondefensive approach by the participating partner can open doors to the possibility of the injured partner healing and moving forward.

I have found that happy, successful couples share two common characteristics: humility and commitment. When working with a couple who has suffered from an affair, I assess these characteristics and help each of them build more of it. It sounds simple, but can be difficult.

Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

Amato, P. R., & Rogers, S. J. (1997). A longitudinal study of marital problems and subsequent divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 59, 612-624.

Atkins, D.C., Baucom, D.H., & Jacobson, N.S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 735-749.

Laumann, E. O., Gagnon, J.H., Michael, R. T., & Michaels, S. (1994). The social organization of sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

Whisman, M. A., DIxon, A. E., & Johnson, B. (1997). Therapists’ perspectives of couple problems and treatment issues in couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 11, 361-366.

 

Clients often ask me how they can overcome addictive behavior to pornography. They want to know how they developed a drive to this behavior in the first place. Did something happen to them when they were younger? Were they born this way? Will it ever go away?

These can be difficult questions to answer, but are worth exploring. In my counseling center I often help clients understand what is called the ‘addiction cycle’. It might feel, to some clients, that they go on auto-pilot when seeking out or viewing pornography, masturbating or other performing other compulsive sexual acts. They can feel as if they are drawn into it without a choice.

The addictive cycle starts with a preoccupation. There is an intense mental focus and an obsessive search for pornography or other sexual stimulation. It is almost as if the addict is in a trance in this step. The second step is called ritualization. The addict goes through a special routine leading to sexual behavior. This step can include, for example, the act of getting on the computer to ‘check your email’, even though the addict knows that this will only lead to viewing pornography. The third step is called compulsive sexual behavior. This is where the sexual act is played out. This act feels as if it is uncontrollable by the addict. This can be something that they feel is easier to finish and complete than fight to overcome or get out of. The last step is called despair. There is an incredibly strong feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness that the addict feels. This is where they seem to snap out of it and come to realize what they have done. These uncomfortable and difficult emotions can often lead them back into the cycle, only to repeat it the same way they played it out the first time.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a well-known sexual addictions specialist, described this addictive cycle as a process that addicts go through again and again. Each time through the cycle it becomes more powerful and intense. There is a seemingly never ending and insatiable nature about this cycle that takes a toll on addicts and their loved ones.

I often work with clients in my Utah therapy practice to recognize the addiction cycle. Through this recognition, clients are empowered to make more deliberate choices instead of going on auto pilot. It seems strange at first for my clients to go through their routine, as I call it, step by step in great detail. But if they are able to honestly lay it all out there, they will be able to recognize the steps before they become too powerful and before they get to the point of no return.

Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

Pornography use is rampant and rising at an alarming rate. We all know the devastating effects that pornography addiction has on individuals, their family members, spouses and children. It can ruin lives, homes, jobs and futures. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with this issue, and many people have struggled with it themselves.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5^th edition) was released a few years ago. Over the years it has adopted many changes. Interestingly enough, however, in this current edition there is no mention of pornography use as a diagnosable disorder. There is a section on sexual dysfunctions and a very large section on substance use, but nothing that addresses the devastating and serious addictive nature of pornography use.

I used to work as a therapist in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in southern California. As I worked with clients I would often hear them talk about relapse. One of the most common stories that I heard was that overcoming their addiction to marijuana, alcohol, meth or other drugs was nothing compared to overcoming their addiction to pornography. This blew me away! I couldn’t believe that these men were more afraid of the internet than they were their drug dealer!

When dealing with pornography addictions it is important to understand that overcoming undesired behaviors is only half of the battle. Learning to deal with difficult emotions in life is a huge part of the battle. There has to be an increase in one’s emotional capacity (ability to tolerate difficult emotions) as life puts more and more on each of our plates. As a counselor in Utah County who specializes in pornography treatment, I have worked with both men and women who struggle with this issue. One common theme that my clients share is that they struggle to handle difficult emotions. They might not recognize this at first, but they all come to understand it through therapy. They learn to increasing their ability to deal with hard emotions which. This starts them down the road to recovery.

I am taking new clients at my Provo counseling center and would be happy to talk with you about your situation.

Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

When couples call me for marriage counseling they often site the reason as ‘communication problems’. I’ve heard this hundreds of times as a family therapist. This phrase has come to be a catch phrase for many different issues – known or unknown to couples. As I do therapy with these couples in my Provo counseling center, I often find that these couples actually communicate very well, but have not built the positive connections that successful couples have. There is more to marriage therapy, then, than just helping couples ‘communicate well’. Simply learning how to do reflective listening, or practicing ‘I statements’ is not sound couples counseling. John Gottman, a renowned marriage researcher, has devoted his professional life to understanding what makes some marriages work, while others fail. I will be outlining much of his incredible work in the coming months along with anecdotal evidence that it works.

Dr. Gottman’s proposes that there are three types of happy, stable couples: volatile, conflict-avoiding and validating. Each approach is right and works! This is if couples are able to maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This is the ratio that Dr. Gottman has found to be important to maintain for successful couples.

The volatile couple can be heated, passionate, emotionally expressive and loud. They can call each other out and disagree. They are direct and don’t beat around the bush. This isn’t bad! These couples also show a lot of humor, affection and interest in each other and have been found to be the type of couple that stay romantic after years of being together.

The validating couple will engage in emotional expressiveness to a certain degree and only around main issues. They emphasize the togetherness and partnership of their marriage and strive to honor each other. They might start an argument softly by validating the others point of view and perspective.

The conflict-avoidant couple will often ‘agree to disagree’. They will never, or at least rarely, say to their partner that they are wrong and that they disagree with them. This types of confrontation is uncomfortable for them and they avoid it. They emphasize their strengths as a couple, their commitment to each other, solidarity and philosophical optimism.

Which couple are you? No matter which category you fall in, you can still have a happy and successful marriage. I have done counseling with many couples who fall in each of those three categories. If you have concerns that it’s not working for you and your partner, call me to see if therapy is right for you.

Here’s to happy marriages!

Triston Morgan, PhD LMFT

Struggling in your marriage? Not sure how to fix your communication problems? Tired of being stuck and not knowing how to get unstuck in your marriage? These are all common concerns for couples experiencing difficulties. There is help and a way to get unstuck! As a couples counselor in Utah County, over the years I have help couples find this success many times as they apply certain principles.

Marriage researcher, John Gottman, has found certain principles and developed a model of therapy to help couples find this happiness together. His work is based on researching hundreds of couples. Here are a few things he found that you can try with your spouse:

1. ‘Enhancing your love maps’ – Love maps consist of how you understand each other and what you know about your relationship and your spouse. Knowing the intimate details of what your partner likes to do for fun to what stresses them out helps you have a stronger relationship.
2. ‘Nurture your fondness and admiration’ – Creating fondness and admiration are crucial to having a long-lasting and satisfying relationship. One thing you are your spouse can do is participate in an activity called, “I appreciate”. This is where you list three or more positive characteristics your spouse has along with an example of each.
3. ‘Turn toward each other instead of away’ – Whether this is literal or figurative, turning towards each other helps create an intimacy and healthy dependence on one another. Turning off the TV and listening to your spouse when they say they have had a hard day is a great example of turning toward each other. This might seem simple, but it goes a long way.
4. ‘Let your partner influence you’ – Consider what your partner says and how they feel about things. Make decisions together as you discuss both of your points of view. These things will help you develop a strong relationship together.
5. ‘Solve your solvable problems’ – Some problems can be solved and other constitute what Gottman would call ‘perpetual problems’. Work on the ones that you can do something about. The solvable problems have a feel to them that they are situational.
6. ‘Overcome gridlock’ – What about the perpetual problems? They do seem unsolvable and for a reason! When dealing with these types of problems Gottman teaches that couples must move from gridlock to dialogue. If done right this can be done on your own with your spouse. Many couples find success with a marriage therapist to overcome these problems.
7. ‘Creating shared meaning’ – There is so much more than the difficulty of marriage and life that you can share with your spouse. Enjoying life together, even in the smallest way, helps to create meaning that means something to both of you. Dream big and dream together!

This research can be found in John Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Happy marriages don’t happen on accident. It takes time and effort and can be done! In my Provo counseling center, I have found that couples who want to change and be happy can!