When Julie and Chris (not their real names) entered my office, they were not looking at each other. I could tell they had been in a fight recently, and that it had been a bad one. They told me it started last night when Chris came home late from work and didn’t tell Julie where he had been. When asked about it, Chris became defensive. “Can’t I come home without getting the third degree?! I’ve been working hard all day to support this family!” He told Julie to stop being “such a nag.” Julie shot back a quick remark about his incompetence as a father because he had missed their son’s basketball game, again.
Whether it plays out in marital therapy or in many of your homes, this isn’t an uncommon scenario. What I told Julie and Chris surprised them. I told them the fact that they fought wasn’t the problem. The fact that they argued wasn’t (read more)
In generations past, issues of faith and spirituality were often deferred to clergy and chaplains. It could easily be argued that psychology, as a discipline, has maintained a reputation for reducing issues of faith and belief to mere symptoms of other issues, thereby discrediting the significance and importance of the subject matter itself. However, things are changing. Ironically, as Len Sperry from Florida Atlantic University recognizes, “[Today], more individuals in various cultural contexts are increasingly seeking out psychotherapists and other practitioners, rather than ministers or spiritual guides, to deal with these concerns or foster their spiritual growth and development.” (Sperry, 2014) This calls for a new breed of psychotherapist. One who is not only skilled in matters of psychological, emotional, relational, and cognitive health, but also one who understands the various theoretical approaches to religious studies and the ethical implications of such for their clients.
The subject of spirituality has recently experienced a resurgence of supporters within the discipline of psychotherapy. Mindfulness techniques have become essential pillars used in such third generation behavioral therapies as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT). Integrative health models will often include spiritual health alongside emotional, mental, social, and physical health. But what exactly does spiritual healthmean? What place does religion, belief, faith, and spiritual practice have within a therapeutic setting? And what role can a therapist serve regarding such issues?
Spirituality is such a deeply personal and subjective concept that many mental health clinicians pay little to no attention to it in therapy (except perhaps briefly asking one or two questions while completing a “psychosocial assessment”). And it’s not their fault. Chances are, such clinicians have had little to no formal education or training on issues of religion, existentialism, or spirituality as a whole.
As a marriage and family therapist by training, I am reminded every session about how my personal experiences, biases, and values affect the therapeutic relationship and overall well-being of my clients. When I am looking for a therapist to refer colleagues, family members, or friends, I look for the following three qualities:
- A licensed professional with an appropriate level of education/training to treat the particular issues bringing the client into session.
- Someone who authentically recognizes the limits of personal biases (we all have them).
- Someone who empathically collaborates with their clients from a place of acceptance and compassion.
When working on issues of faith in a therapeutic setting, the same applies. If you are interested in working through issues of faith or spirituality with a therapist, I also recommend the following suggestions: Take your time to find someone you feel comfortable with, and who simultaneously challenges you to grow. Be clear about what you are looking for in therapy. Perhaps it’s wanting to learn how spirituality paired with therapeutic techniques can bolster resiliency. Perhaps you are experiencing feelings of shame and perfectionistic tendencies which can be counterproductive to living the life you want to live. Or perhaps you or a loved one is experiencing a crisis of faith and you need the support from a nonjudgemental, yet knowledgeable, third party. Whatever your needs, find a therapist who you feel understands your journey and is comfortable exploring such sensitive issues with confidence.
*Please be sure to check in on the next article in this three-part series, where we explore the qualities which help define spiritual health, and five benefits of integrating spirituality with psychotherapy.
originally published by Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine
Listening sounds easy. But it’s not. Real listening takes effort and skill.
Listening isn’t passing the time until the speaker runs out of things to say. Or mentally finding fault with the speaker’s argument so you can shoot down their logic. Or waiting for the speaker to take a breath so you can interrupt. These kinds of listening patterns can create a small war!
Therapists use a technique called “reflective listening” that can be useful for everyone. Reflective listening is different from the communication styles you grew up with (unless you are the child of psychotherapists), and is built on four main principles:
- Reflective listening is present in the moment. When listening, you don’t let your mind wander. You stay present with the speaker and give her your full attention.
- Reflective listening uses aligned body language. A reflective listener takes approximately (read more)
March 16, 7:00pm @ American Fork Library.
The American Fork Center for Couples and Families – Marriage therapist Kenneth Jeppesen will condense 40 years of marital research and teach you how to have a happier marriage. His last presentation in Orem on this topic was standing room only. Come early to get a seat!
Join me in welcoming marriage and family therapist DANIEL COLVER to the Spanish Fork Center for Couples and Families.
He specializes in COUPLES therapy, FAITH-BASED CRISIS counseling, ANXIETY and DEPRESSION treatment. He is currently working on a PhD specializing in integrated healthcare.
Interesting fact about Daniel – he was an AERIAL GUNNER in the U.S. Air Force! He takes that same courage into the counseling room to help you battle life’s difficulties.
http://spanishforkfamilies.com/news/
Be a better person. Be happier! Don’t get mad at the kids. Make more money! These are all good ideas for New Year’s resolutions, but flawed in their design. If you are like me, you have already set New Year’s resolutions and look forward to what this coming year will bring. There is a trick, however, to make sure you set yourself up for success. Being a goal driven person is a good thing—let’s make sure, however, that you don’t stumble out of the gate.
Over the years I have heard many couples tell me that they want a “better relationship,” or that they need to work on their “communication problems.” Creating a better relationship is a fantastic idea and worthwhile goal for every couple in or out of therapy. However, to successfully achieve this goal, we need to drill deeper to understand what having a better relationship means. For some, it might mean improving their fun and play together through a date night every Friday. For others, they would spend less time with electronics and more quality time together doing activities that create conversation and intimacy.
Working on communication problems can mean many different things as well. For one couple it could mean that they spend less time being critical of each other and instead adopt an attitude of understanding and compassion to their spouse’s views. For others it might mean that they want to actually talk about difficult topics in their marriage before they simmer, unaddressed, and eventually cause a blow up. We could even drill down further here—but you get the point. Your goals should be specific to you and your family, not generic and abstract.
In working with couples in my office, I have found several principles to help when setting goals. Keep your New Year’s resolutions in mind as we review a few principles:
Positive Frame – State your goals in a positive tone. Outline what you want to do, not what you don’t want to do. For example, instead of creating a goal such as, ‘Don’t get mad at the kids,’ reframe it into something like, ‘Respond to my children with calmness and take a time-out when needed.’ Dr. Craig Manning, the mental strength coach for a variety of BYU sports programs, emphasizes this. Through his experience teaching athletes this and similar principles, he has found that their performance improves.
Guiding Tools – Use an acronym, such as SMART, to help set up your goals:
- Specific – what do you want to achieve?
- Measurable – how can you track progress? (i.e., I want to run an 8-minute/mile pace in a half-marathon)
- Attainable – can you achieve this goal? You don’t have to limit yourself here, however. It’s good to shoot high at times!
- Relevant – is this something that will help you meet your needs in life?
- Timely – include a time frame or increments of time (i.e., by March 2015, or every Friday night)
Some would argue that using an acronym like SMART limits your creative, bold self. Just make sure to stretch yourself as you use this tool in setting goals.
Follow Up – Your resolutions should be something you review often. Make it a habit to look them over once a week. This helps guide your efforts and reminds you of your course. Some people post these goals in a conspicuous place in their daily routine so that they see them whether they want to or not. The bathroom mirror, the kitchen refrigerator or the screen saver on your phone are great places to start. I have noticed that when I review my goals weekly I am able to achieve them throughout the year, instead of watching them disappear like the snow in spring.
Remember—everyone is unique. That you want to improve an area of your life and stretch yourself in new ways is admirable, but a one-size-fits-all goal is usually not the best way to do it. Decide on specific positive actions that will get you to a happier self. Don’t forget to keep track of your progress, and most importantly, be proud of the new you!
Originally published in the Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine:
Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine – Resolutions: Tricks of the Trade
I recently took a trip to Central Europe. Wow! What a beautiful place to be. My wife and I went to Budapest, Hungary and several other countries. Talk about a therapeutic journey! I still can’t get over the beautiful buildings, rivers and parks. We had a great time trying different foods, trying to speak the languages and participating in the local attractions and events. While I was there we met with a local therapist, Ildiko. It was interesting to talk with her about her therapy practice and what the people are like in this country. She mentioned that she does a lot of therapy by walking with clients through the forest by her office and that the power of nature helps heal her clients. As a therapist in Provo, Utah, I have found that there is something powerful about nature here as well. Being in the mountains, hiking through the forests or desert or being around the rivers or lakes can bring immense peace and healing in life. There seemed to be so many similarities between what her clients need and what mine need. It really spoke to me of the common needs that all people have, whether they are in Budapest, Hungary or the United States. People crave connection with others. People want to feel loved and appreciated and take care of. This therapist and I are doing the same work 6000 miles apart from each other. In a post-communist country, the needs of these people are just the same as the people in Utah County. They need each other.
Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT
Affairs in a marriage are all too common. Studies have found that up to 25% of men and 15% of women report having sex outside their marriage (Lauman, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994). Infidelity in marriage is the most frequent reason that couples give for divorcing each other and marriages where an affair has taken place are twice as likely to end in divorce (Amato & Rogers, 1997; Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001).
If you are reading this you might be in a marriage plagued with the disease of infidelity. If you come to couples therapy you will be among the 1/3 of couples who do so because of an affair (Whisman, Dixon, & Jonson, 1997).
Many professionals conceptualize and treat injured partners (the partner who has been cheated on) as trauma victims. An affair is a traumatic event and the way the injured partner reacts can be similar to someone who has gone through a war or terrifying event. They have many behaviors consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. They feel a loss of control and safety in their relationship. They might have feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, confusion, betrayal, hurt and shame.
With the advancement of technology, infidelity has adopted many forms that were not possible in our parent’s generation. Researchers have found that in the case of online infidelity close to 25% of these couples divorced and nearly 66% of the injured partners lost interest in sex with their partner (Schneider, 2002).
As a marriage therapist over the years, I have worked with couples who have experienced many types of infidelity. Interestingly enough, everyone’s reactions to infidelity differ based on their assumptions about their marriage and their individual capacity to deal with difficult emotions. What might be devastating to one injured partner, is not as damaging to another.
Several factors help in the recovery of infidelity. The more the participating partner (the one who participated in the affair) can be honest and open about what happened the better. Talking openly and freely about the infidelity will help the injured partner start to recover. However, speaking openly in this manner without remorse or guilt seems to do more harm than good. A nondefensive approach by the participating partner can open doors to the possibility of the injured partner healing and moving forward.
I have found that happy, successful couples share two common characteristics: humility and commitment. When working with a couple who has suffered from an affair, I assess these characteristics and help each of them build more of it. It sounds simple, but can be difficult.
Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT
Amato, P. R., & Rogers, S. J. (1997). A longitudinal study of marital problems and subsequent divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 59, 612-624.
Atkins, D.C., Baucom, D.H., & Jacobson, N.S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 735-749.
Laumann, E. O., Gagnon, J.H., Michael, R. T., & Michaels, S. (1994). The social organization of sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Whisman, M. A., DIxon, A. E., & Johnson, B. (1997). Therapists’ perspectives of couple problems and treatment issues in couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 11, 361-366.
Clients often ask me how they can overcome addictive behavior to pornography. They want to know how they developed a drive to this behavior in the first place. Did something happen to them when they were younger? Were they born this way? Will it ever go away?
These can be difficult questions to answer, but are worth exploring. In my counseling center I often help clients understand what is called the ‘addiction cycle’. It might feel, to some clients, that they go on auto-pilot when seeking out or viewing pornography, masturbating or other performing other compulsive sexual acts. They can feel as if they are drawn into it without a choice.
The addictive cycle starts with a preoccupation. There is an intense mental focus and an obsessive search for pornography or other sexual stimulation. It is almost as if the addict is in a trance in this step. The second step is called ritualization. The addict goes through a special routine leading to sexual behavior. This step can include, for example, the act of getting on the computer to ‘check your email’, even though the addict knows that this will only lead to viewing pornography. The third step is called compulsive sexual behavior. This is where the sexual act is played out. This act feels as if it is uncontrollable by the addict. This can be something that they feel is easier to finish and complete than fight to overcome or get out of. The last step is called despair. There is an incredibly strong feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness that the addict feels. This is where they seem to snap out of it and come to realize what they have done. These uncomfortable and difficult emotions can often lead them back into the cycle, only to repeat it the same way they played it out the first time.
Dr. Patrick Carnes, a well-known sexual addictions specialist, described this addictive cycle as a process that addicts go through again and again. Each time through the cycle it becomes more powerful and intense. There is a seemingly never ending and insatiable nature about this cycle that takes a toll on addicts and their loved ones.
I often work with clients in my Utah therapy practice to recognize the addiction cycle. Through this recognition, clients are empowered to make more deliberate choices instead of going on auto pilot. It seems strange at first for my clients to go through their routine, as I call it, step by step in great detail. But if they are able to honestly lay it all out there, they will be able to recognize the steps before they become too powerful and before they get to the point of no return.
Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT
Pornography use is rampant and rising at an alarming rate. We all know the devastating effects that pornography addiction has on individuals, their family members, spouses and children. It can ruin lives, homes, jobs and futures. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with this issue, and many people have struggled with it themselves.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th edition) was released a few years ago. Over the years it has adopted many changes. Interestingly enough, however, in this current edition there is no mention of pornography use as a diagnosable disorder. There is a section on sexual dysfunctions and a very large section on substance use, but nothing that addresses the devastating and serious addictive nature of pornography use.
I used to work as a therapist in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in southern California. As I worked with clients I would often hear them talk about relapse. One of the most common stories that I heard was that overcoming their addiction to marijuana, alcohol, meth or other drugs was nothing compared to overcoming their addiction to pornography. This blew me away! I couldn’t believe that these men were more afraid of the internet than they were their drug dealer!
When dealing with pornography addictions it is important to understand that overcoming undesired behaviors is only half of the battle. Learning to deal with difficult emotions in life is a huge part of the battle. There has to be an increase in one’s emotional capacity (ability to tolerate difficult emotions) as life puts more and more on each of our plates. As a counselor in Utah County who specializes in pornography treatment, I have worked with both men and women who struggle with this issue. One common theme that my clients share is that they struggle to handle difficult emotions. They might not recognize this at first, but they all come to understand it through therapy. They learn to increasing their ability to deal with hard emotions which. This starts them down the road to recovery.
I am taking new clients at my Provo counseling center and would be happy to talk with you about your situation.
Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT