Pornography is an avoidance issue. There are some who believe that using pornography is about sex. I have had clients tell me over the years that, ‘I used to use porn, but that was just because we weren’t having sex. It was just a sex thing’. Many clients believe that this is the case. It is important to note that this simply is not true.
Pornography use releases dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is designed to feel good and help reward us for certain behaviors. Riding a bike, looking at a sunset, getting a good grade, eating good food – are all among the things that might release dopamine. Masturbation and orgasm release dopamine as well. When you use pornography, which is usually accompanied by masturbation and orgasm, you release more dopamine that your body is designed to take and it feels really good. People often use pornography when they are sad, tired, hungry, bored, etc… When these two things are paired, for example – being bored and then feeling better through dopamine through pornography use, an attachment is made. In the future, your body remembers that it can not feel bored if it uses pornography and gets dopamine. This then happens again and again and an addiction to avoiding boredom (or insert another uncomfortable emotion) is born.
Even if pornography use seems to be paired with not getting sex from your spouse, its still more about the loneliness you feel because of a lack of sex than the actual sex. You use because you are lonely, not because you are undersexed.
In therapy, a counselor who understands these principles will help you to build your emotional muscles so that you are not avoiding uncomfortable emotions. Rather, they will help you embrace them.
One of the most common phrases I hear as a couples therapist in Orem is ‘I feel like…’. This is often paired with ‘I feel that…’. Both of these phrases are very misleading in regard to relationships and communication. Many couples I work with in therapy will start talking about their marriage problems by saying something such as, “I feel like he doesn’t care”. This is usually followed by defensiveness from him where he would say, “I do care!”. He then explains why he does care. The problem with the ‘I feel like…’ statement is that it sounds like you are talking about your emotions because you used the word ‘feel’. The problem is that you followed it up with ‘like’. This turns it into a thought rather than an emotion or feeling. Instead of talking about your feelings you are talking about your thoughts and they are usually blaming or at least focused on others rather than yourself. This is, seemingly, a safer place emotionally to be – talking about others instead of yourself. But it doesn’t get a relationship anywhere and you don’t improve your attachment as a couple by doing this. It comes across as trying to be the expert on or the boss of your partner – and that rarely goes well.
As a couple’s counselor, what I suggest is to try to recognize when you say either of those phrases, (1) ‘I feel like…’ or (2) ‘I feel that…’. Ask yourself, then, if you are trying to describe your emotions or thoughts. If you are trying to describe what you feel then drop the ‘like’ or the ‘that’ and just say, ‘I feel _______’. Use one feeling word such as hurt, scared, betrayed, etc… Then you can describe this emotion more fully if you want – but keep it about you, not what you think about your partner. If you are trying to describe and thought then change your phrasing to (1) ‘It seems like…’ or (2) ‘I think that…’.
This isn’t going to fix everything, but will point you in the right direction and save you from some of your fighting as a couple.
Triston Morgan, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Orem Utah.
Anger is a secondary emotion. A secondary emotion is one that covers up what you are really feeling. For example, if you are feeling hurt because of a recent break up with a significant other, it’s easy to also feel angry. Anger, a secondary emotion, comes along and covers up that hurt, the primary emotion. This often happens because when you are breaking up with a significant other there is a part of you that is afraid of being hurt more than you already have. So instead of going to them and telling them, ‘I’m really hurt and sad that we are breaking up’, you might get angry and post something mean about them on social media, or talk badly about them to your friends. This is in an effort to protect yourself from getting hurt more than you have been. If I share my hurt with them they could hurt me even more because I am vulnerable. So, you are acting angry, but what you are really feeling is hurt. The trick is to notice when you are angry and ask yourself, ‘What am I really feeling?’. Because it’s not anger. Then you will be able to find out what is really going on, emotionally (which can be very different from what you are thinking). Knowing what you are feeling allows you to deal with the pain instead of pushing it down or aside and having it blow up later in an unhealthy manner. Pick up the hurt and feel it. Then you will be able to do something with it that is healthy.