Most of us try to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Who likes to feel sad, depressed, lonely, hurt, scared or betrayed? Don’t we try to NOT feel this way? Some may even engage in unhealthy behaviors to avoid their emotions.  I encountered this as a common theme in my work at drug and alcohol rehab facilities.  Though it may be unpleasant, I propose that if we want to feel the comfortable emotions in life, we have to get good at feeling the ones that are not so comfortable.

It is important to realize that uncomfortable emotions are not bad.  We all experience a myriad of emotions; some make us feel better than others.  Because of the discomfort that comes with some, many try to avoid them all together, take them out on others, or deal with them in unhealthy ways.  The trick to dealing with emotions in a healthy manner is not to get rid of them, but rather to embrace them and then let them go.  As I work with couples or individuals in therapy, I often review three simple steps to dealing with emotions:

1. Recognize: Identifying what we are feeling is the first step. If we don’t know what we are feeling, then we will not be able to do anything with it. It will unwittingly control us. When I ask a client what they are feeling they will often reply, “I’m angry.” Anger, however, is what I call a false emotion. It only exists as it attaches itself to what we originally felt. For example, if someone were to post something mean about you on social media it might make you feel hurt. What is our natural reaction to something like this? We might want to lash out at that person. This is us embracing anger instead of hurt. In this case, the anger covers up the hurt and offers the illusion that it is protecting us—that it is keeping us safe from future hurt—when all it is doing is making it so that we remain hurt. Anger is insatiable. It can never be satisfied. Have you ever felt good after embracing your anger? No. We feel even more angry. That is why I call anger a false emotion. Let anger be the first sign that you are actually feeling something else. Ask yourself the question, “What am Ireally feeling?” in order to recognize your true emotions.
2. Feel: This is the hardest step. After we have recognized that we feel hurt, for example, we usually don’t want to embrace that feeling. This goes back to not wanting to feel uncomfortable feelings. When we allow ourselves to feel these emotions, we then have power to do something with them. Consider the following example: You have a couch in your house that you really detest. This is the ugliest, most horrible piece of furniture ever created. It is so ugly that no one will touch it. How do you handle it? You can’t magically make it disappear—you actually have to pick it up and move it yourself. It seems ironic that in order to move something out of your house that you don’t like, you actually have to get closer to it and touch it. The same goes for our emotions. When we feel them (get closer to them, touch them, pick them up) then we have the power to do something with them.
3. Cope: This is the step most people want to skip straight to. We want to cope with or let go of our emotions without feeling them. But doing this can get us into trouble. When we try to cope with our emotions without first picking them up, what we are really doing is distracting ourselves from feeling something uncomfortable. This is similar to taking a blanket and covering the ugly couch in our house—it’s still there! What we choose to distract ourselves with (i.e., social media, pornography, substances, food, work) then becomes our go-to every time we feel uncomfortable, and an addiction is born. Coping with an emotion involves not forcing it to leave and not forcing it to stay. We let it go after it has run its course. Then we can do something that helps us recover—such as reading a book or talking with a friend.

 

Learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions can feel counterintuitive at times. Our initial response may be to react with anger or push them away.  But, as we practice embracing our feelings in order to let them go, we will develop habits that will improve our emotional health and overall internal peace.

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Written by: Triston Morgan, PhD, LMFT

Dr. Morgan is a director and co-owner of Center for Couples and Families, a counseling center, in Utah Valley. He is licensed as a PhD marriage and family therapist, and is originally from Oregon. He and his beautiful wife, Cristina, love to travel and see the world.

                                                                                                           

The bond and stock markets have been stuck in a range for about the past 18 months.  The Dow Jones Average keeps moving back and forth between 16,000 and 18,000.  For investors, this can be very frustrating.  It feels like you are running in place and making no progress.

It has been said that patience is the greatest virtue. We live in a world where it seems that patience has been forgotten. In our “instant everything” world people want it all, and they want it now. They don’t think in terms of paying the price or investing for the long-term. They act on a whim, rather than follow a long-term plan.

Mountain View High School in Orem has always had a very successful track team with several runners nationally ranked. I asked their coach why his runners are so successful. I thought he would tell me strategies that help make his athletes stronger and faster. Instead, he shared with me his secret that was completely different than I expected. He said that much of their success comes from learning to pace themselves. They must have the patience to wait for the perfect time to make their final move to win the race. Counterintuitively, even in running, a sport that is built around speed, exercising patience is critical to success.

Every autumn I spend some of my spare time hunting for big game animals. I focus my efforts on finding animals that have “record book” potential. In order to locate them, I backpack into places rarely traveled. Often I come back empty handed. In my quest to find trophies, I have traveled to some very dangerous parts of the world. In order to succeed, I often hunt differently than traditional hunters. While there are several factors that contribute to my success, I believe that extreme patience is the most significant.

Patience is also a key attribute for successful investors, but…(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

In post-war England, most children’s hospitals had a visitor’s policy that may shock you: children in long-term treatment for serious conditions were only allowed about one hour per week of visiting time from their parents. The prevailing thought was that too much “molly-coddling” would weaken the child.

A psychologist named John Bowlby didn’t agree. He did research to demonstrate that when parents visited, kids did better – they were happier, and their physical well-being improved during the short visits from parents. Dr Bowlby went on to develop the theory of attachment, which states that children rely on a secure base (usually their parents) to feel safe, gain confidence, and thrive in a difficult and complicated world. Ongoing research showed that kids who were given lots of attention and unconditional love were happier, healthier, and grew up to be more successful in many ways.

Parent-child bonds grow in both good times and bad times. Positive moments between kids and parents are memorable and important, but so are the caring responses parents give to kids who are physically or emotionally hurt. You might remember going to your parents after falling off the jungle gym or being bullied. They couldn’t always “fix” your problems, but injuries and disappointments were somehow magically repaired with hugs, kisses, and kind words. The sense of security and love you felt took the edge off the pain, and increased your overall confidence.

Recognizing and reinforcing your role as a secure base for your kids might be the greatest gift you can give them as a parent. Here are four ways you can build on this relationship:

Time

One of the big questions in parenting, which is more important: quality time, or quantity time? How about both! Quantity is important – spending time with someone leads to a feeling of comfort and safety, which inspires open conversation. The precious moment when your child opens up to you only comes after hours of seemingly mundane shared time. Quality time is also important: this doesn’t have to be fun parks and ice cream, it just means giving that person your full attention. We all know what it feels like to be with someone who isn’t really there. Rolling the ball along the floor with your toddler is one of the best ways to connect with them, unless you’re talking on the phone with someone else the whole time.

Touch

To some this comes easily, but to others…(read the rest of the story)

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

 

I am an education specialist for Zumba, aka ZES. Here’s a little sneak peak into my job: I work as a presenter at Zumba’s yearly conventions and events, both domestic and abroad. I have choreographed and performed on a number of consumer products, as well as continuing education DVDs. I am a Zumba spokesperson, having represented Zumba on a dozen or more TV shows: Martha Stewart, So You Think You Can Dance, The Biggest Loser, and The View, to name a few, as well as selling our products on television networks QVC and HSN.

The reason I tell you this? I see my biggest calling in life to be a good wife and mom. When you add a career to the plate, it has the potential to get overwhelming and spin things out of balance. Not to mention, I have to get on a plane every time I go to work.

I have found my path to a happy, balanced life through a few tips and tools:

1. Keep priorities in check.

Family is always first. Zumba is what I do, it is not who I am. I am a wife and mom first. My husband and I discuss our weekly plans, set goals, and have a weekly date. This date is often times during the day—lunch or a matinee, and not overly glamorous. The purpose is to connect, connect and connect. Without teamwork everything else falls short.

2. Take one task at a time.

Putting your energy into what you have going on that day helps you be present, live in the moment, and eliminate regret. Overwhelming yourself with unchangeable details down the road only gets you…overwhelmed. If all I do is worry about my work, the flights, hotels, exhaustion, the time spent away, the things I will miss…I kill the joy of today due to the worry of tomorrow. I take one thing at a time and give it my best.

3. Create the life you want.

No one will…(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

In movie theaters, we love the thrill of sitting on the edge of our seats watching as a suffering character gets the antidote to their trouble in the nick of time.  Whether it’s a fairy tale princess waiting for true love’s kiss, Harry Potter and his friends casting spells, or a poisoned superhero anticipating the arrival of a healing solution—we love our struggling heroes to succeed in the end.  But the excitement is not the same when we, as the heroes and heroines of our own lives, struggle and wish for a solution in our own marriages.

Luckily, many great marriages are successful due to antidotes that you can use, too.  In our last issue, I outlined six signs that your marriage could be in trouble.  The solution to these symptoms is provided by John Gottman and his 40 years of successful marital research.  Follow his principles (or antidotes) and you will be on your way to a happier and healthier marriage.

Principle 1 – Enhance Your Love Maps

Become “intimately familiar with each other’s world,” as John Gottman would put it. Knowing each other’s goals, fears, desires, story, and history will go a long way in creating a marriage that lasts. Do you know your partner’s best and worst childhood memories? Do you know what stresses them during the day? Do you know the important people in your partner’s life (friends, potential friends, rivals or enemies)?

Principle 2 – Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

This is the antidote for “contempt” that I spoke about in my last article. Fondness and admiration for your partner includes having respect and love for them. It isn’t a complicated process—simply increase your positive feelings towards your partner. Fond memories and interpretations of what is happening presently in your relationship is key.

Principle 3 – Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

If you want a key to romance and a good sex life, here it is. Turning towards your partner means to emotionally reach for and lean towards them in difficult and easy times. When your partner sends you the message “I need you” – do you reach out for them? If not, then start reaching out for them emotionally and physically.

Principle 4 – Let Your Partner Influence You

This one is more for the guys (although it’s important for the gals too). John Gottman found that when a man in a relationship accepts influence from his partner, they are more likely to have a happier marriage.  Making decisions together, showing respect for each other’s opinions, and sharing the power will increase the ability for your marriage to succeed.

Principle 5 – Solve Your Solvable Problems…(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

The two preceding articles in this three-part series recognized the resurgence of spirituality in therapy, identified a need for psychotherapists trained in spiritual and religious competencies, provided tips on how to find a licensed clinician who is right for you, and explored three domains of spiritual wellness.  This third and final article will address five potential benefits of spiritually integrated therapy.

I recently listened to both a psychologist’s lecture on integrated healthcare, and a book on parenting written by a world renowned researcher/therapist who devoted her career to understanding guilt, shame, vulnerability and whole-hearted living.  Both scholars spoke of spirituality as being a resilience factor.  This got me thinking about how spiritually integrated therapy may serve some of my clients, so I came up with a list of five potential benefits of spiritually integrated therapy:

1. Enhancing Protective Factors: A so-called “protective factor” is anything a person incorporates into their life which effectively decreases the likelihood of harm.  You can think of it as the opposite of a “risk factor.”  A growing body of research has shown that spiritual health and positive religious practices can in fact serve as a protective factor for a wide variety of issues across populations (i.e. hazardous substance use, suicidality, self-harm, eating disorders, etc.).  In therapy, exploring how spiritual practice can serve as a protective factor may be beneficial.
2. Increasing Stress Resilience: Those who manage stress effectively have incorporated resilience practices into their regular lifestyle.  Spiritually integrated psychotherapy recognizes spiritual health as an essential component of whole and complete living.  Therapy may explicitly discuss spiritual or religious coping strategies the client uses to solve problems, elicit a sense of meaningfulness to stressful life events, and/or learn skills to “weather the storm” in a profoundly purposeful way.  A common element among various faith traditions is an active willingness to practice non-judgmental acceptance.  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests stress-resiliency is enhanced as we actively challenge our experiential avoidance of unpleasant emotions (i.e. anxiety, fear, pain) by engaging in value-based action while accepting that meaningful living does not begin when discomfort ends… it begins now.
3. Using Culturally Relevant Language…(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Pornography addiction and compulsive pornography use are becoming more and more prevalent with the rise of the anonymity, accessibility, and affordability of internet porn. It is no wonder that Utah legislators have recently declared it a “public health crisis”. Unfortunately, with this increase in pornography use has come an increase in relational distress as well. Many relationships begin to struggle with the revelation of a partner’s pornography use because it feels like infidelity to the partner, which feels traumatic and takes time to heal. So if you’re the pornography-user in your relationship, but you’d like to stop, what can you do? How do we heal from such a devastating habit?

1. Insight.  Think about when this all started. What was happening in your life at the time you began intentionally seeking out pornography regularly? Chances are high that it was a particularly stressful time, whether you were 12 years old or 21. Most people who struggle with pornography use started seeking it out because they realized it helped them cope with the stresses happening in their life. This is why a lot of people relapse once they get married, which is counter-intuitive until you realize that marriage is one of the most stressful relationships we can have, and the first year of marriage brings with it a certain amount of stress and painful emotions people often don’t know how to cope with.
2. Access your emotions.  So now you know what was happening when you started using, now try and think about howyou were feeling. If this is too hard, think about the last time you used pornography and what you were feeling just before. Usually people are trying to escape from painful and overwhelming emotions like sadness, hurt, shame, pain, or fear. This is particularly true for men, who have been socialized to only feel anger or sexual. These vulnerable, softer, emotions often don’t have an outlet, so they build up until they become overwhelming and the man has to escape from them by distracting himself with pornography and the endorphin release that comes with it.
3. Accept, listen to, and act on your emotions...(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Check out our newest issue!

Local Utah Valley professionals give expert advice on a variety of health and wellness topics. Learn about healing pornography addictions, freeing yourself from headaches, nutrition, principles of healthy marriages and more.

Enjoy!

“Spending time outdoors has been linked to a variety of positive outcomes, from improved mental functioning and increased levels of physical activity, to decreased levels of ADHD symptoms and stress among children.”

When it comes to outdoor recreation, Utah is among the top in the nation. You can engage in almost any type of outdoor activity possible, from mountain biking and canyoneering, to bird watching and geo caching. With multiple national forests, monuments, and parks within only a couple of hours drive, we have limited excuses not to get outside throughout the year. The variety of outdoor space and activities means ample recreation opportunities for novices, experts, and everyone in between.

Unfortunately, actually taking the time to get outside is often an exception rather than the norm. Research suggests many of us, especially adolescents and children, are spending less time outside than previous generations. The reasons for this decline are multifaceted and include things like the draw of digital media in its many forms, lack of knowledge of where to go and what to do, living over-scheduled lives, fear of strangers, and even the comfort of air-conditioning.

While it may be easier to plop down on the couch and stream the latest episode of whatever we are currently binge watching than it is to drive to a local canyon for a quick hike, or even spend a couple of minutes walking through a local park, the benefits of spending even a small amount of time outside far outweigh the momentary satisfaction of watching even the funniest YouTube #fail videos.

A diverse array of research studies over the last 20 years paint a convincing picture of the benefits gained from getting outside. Spending time outdoors has been linked to…(read more)

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Though there is still some debate among researchers about the effects of pornography use on individuals, research has consistently shown that regularly viewing pornography can have negative effects on relationships—particularly if one’s partner disapproves of said pornography use. Sometimes, negative effects sneak up on a user and shape the way he or she views the world, without them even realizing it. Many of the following experiences hold true for both men and women who regularly view pornography, but for simplicity, we will focus mainly on the effects on men:

1. Physical sexual dysfunction.

Since pornography is most frequently a solo sexual experience, when it comes time to engage in relational sexual experiences many men struggle to perform optimally due to the desensitization pornography has caused. There are many reports of pornography-induced sexual dysfunction which often leads to emotional problems and tension in relationships.

2. Women may be portrayed as objects.

Since the majority of pornography portrays men as dominant or sexually coercive and shows that women enjoy this dynamic, pornography users tend to believe that this is realistically what they can expect sex to be like with their partner. Unfortunately, this sends the message to women that they should act like objects who aren’t supposed to feel pain, whose desires don’t matter, and who should have strong positive emotional responses whenever a man wants them to—regardless of how they really feel.

3. Lowered satisfaction with sex… (read more)

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness