For most of us, depression is something that comes and goes. For a few of us, it’s something that comes and stays – for reasons that we don’t always know or understand. When we lose someone lose to us or have a situation that hurts, we might feel down. This type of depression can be situational more than anything else. This happens often after women give birth. For months following, they might feel down or blue. If they are able to pull themselves out of it through sleep, eating well, taking a shower, reading a book or some any other way that they use to cope, then its usually not post-partum depression. If it doesn’t go away after these attempts, it can be something more serious and may need medical or professional help. Depression is the same way. We can’t expect to pull ourselves out of depression on our own when it is the more serious type. Counselors are trained professionals who can help. Many of them will utilize the power of your relationships and invite your family to attend sessions. This helps because you are then able to connect to those who matter most and work it out together.

Sometimes the holidays hurt. When we have lost loved ones or when we are reminded of what we used to have, the holidays can turn from joyous to painful. During these times, it’s important to remember a few things. First, let the pain come in – embrace it. There is no need to try and hide from it or run. If we try to hide from it or ignore it, we often develop addictions to cover what we are feeling – ways to numb ourselves from uncomfortable emotions. In this numbed state, we don’t ever get to embrace and subsequently let go of painful emotions. It’s important to remember that in order to let go of something, we first have to have it (embrace it). Remember that these emotions come and go, they won’t stay with us forever. Second, find a way to honor your loved ones who have gone on or circumstances lost. I spoke with a friend once who had dealt with the loss of a job and a more abundant life. During times when this was more apparent, he was able to be grateful for the relationship he had and focus on enjoying them above all else. After having material possessions and different opportunities pass him by he realized what is most important as he put his life back together. As he did this, he was able to be grateful for past opportunities and current blessings. Third, some find comfort in having what I call ‘Present Mindedness’ – the ability to be in the moment. We let ourselves enjoy the here and now without stopping ourselves because we need to maintain anger or sadness from the past or from other current situations. We don’t have to punish ourselves – we deserve to be happy now.

Counseling, if done right, is husband friendly! Find the right therapist and you’ll understand. The problem is that many husbands worry that the therapist is going to take their wife’s side and gang up on him, or that therapy will be uncomfortable. While the latter may be true, the former isn’t. A good therapist doesn’t take sides or act as a referee. I have had many couples want to hash out an argument in front of me in counseling so that I can tell them who is right. I stop them, and explain that even if one of them ended up right, that they would be so wrong in their rightness – their marriage would suffer because they insisted on being right instead of compassionate and forgiving. A good therapist, rather, is able to foster healthy interactions between spouses so that they both feel safe and are able to be vulnerable and genuine with each other. When husbands understand that what they feel and think is important, then they are more willing to make this uncomfortable leap with their spouse. Women are more likely than men to initiate therapy, but without buy-in from the man, it is difficult to be successful in therapy. My suggestion to women who want to initiate counseling, but have a reluctant spouse is to recognize that this is scary for your spouse. They may feel as if they will be attacked, or worse yet, that they will lose you. Help them understand that your desire for counseling is because you love him and because you want this to work – but aren’t sure how to make fix it. Ask him to give therapy at lest 3 sessions – after that if he still feels reluctant there might be another counselor or approach that you could try. Most men feel better about therapy after at least 3 sessions if you have the right therapist for you.

My spouse cheated on me – what do I do now? If you are asking this question you are probably going through a gauntlet of emotions, thoughts and questions. Many couples come to my office seeking help to make sense of and hopefully heal from infidelity. There is a process that most couples go through – common experiences that I can share here. Usually, during the process of the disclosure (or discovery) of an affair, the spouse who was cheated on feels something many have called ‘betrayal trauma.’ I often share with couples in this situation a metaphor. Imagine, I tell her, that you are driving in a truck in a convoy through a war zone. Out of nowhere a rocket blasts your truck after being shot from a nearby building. It throws you out of the truck and into the dirt. After almost being killed in this situation, many would develop PTSD – or acute trauma. They would come home from the war zone and start the process of healing – perhaps with family or friends or trained professionals. They would talk about how unsafe it was in the war zone and how they almost died there. They would start to rebuild their sense of safety where they stood at that point – which is back in their home neighborhood, safe and sound. With infidelity, the trauma a spouse feels looks different. Imagine, I tell her again, that you have just been thrown from your truck after that rocket levels it. After picking yourself up, you then go to the building that the rocket was shot out of, climb the stairs to the top floor and find the person who shot it. You find this person and tell them, “I’m glad I found you. I need a hug from you. That was scary and I almost died – I’m glad you didn’t kill me.” The very person who almost killed them is the very person they go to for safety and reassurance and healing. This is what it is like to be the spouse of someone who is unfaithful. Going through this process is difficult and confusing. Betrayal trauma is something that needs to be understood and specifically addressed in order to heal.

My wife and I had our first child 8 months ago. He’s awesome…and difficult. The adjustment to having children can be a major struggle for parents. Changing routines, sleep deprivation, life style alterations and the loss of certain coping strategies are among the difficulties during this time. As a testimony to this, its 1:55am as I’m writing this blog because our little one is awake! – It’s my wife’s turn to try and get him down.

Many in our community have suffered devastating consequences from this adjustment. You have probably heard of The Emily Effect. Postpartum Depression is a real and often unseen reality for many. Knowing how powerful it can be, understanding how to recognize it and respond is crucial. Withdrawal, anger, weight gain/loss, anxiety, guild, loss of interest, loss of appetite, difficulty bonding with baby, crying or irritability, insomnia, depression, fear, mood swings, panic attacks, lack of concentration or unwanted thoughts – to name several.

If you suspect that this might be happening to you or a loved one, remember that you are not alone. Speak out and speak up. There is no shame in feeling these things. Loving family and sometimes professional help will get you though.