As I work with individuals and couples, I like to educate them on how our brains and our bodies impact our relationships. Understanding the correlation between these elements seems easy enough, however, I often get the question, “How do I change my brain?” The answer to this question is a great starting point to create healing and allow new interactions to take place.

Our brains are wired for connection. Each interaction we have either strengthens or weakens the connections in our brains, thus influencing the relationships with those around us. The ability to allow one or two more heartbeats before reacting or responding to one’s partner is the ultimate goal. The better you are able to emotionally regulate (by allowing more heartbeats before reacting), the more positive your interactions with others can be.

There are many ways you can impact emotion regulation and the ability to create new experiences that improve relationship interactions. Some are easier than others, and some have been targeted to help with other areas of life. I’d like to highlight two very important ways to help increase heart rate variability and improve cognitive functioning so you are better prepared the next time you might want to fly off the handle. They are exercise and sleep.

Everyone knows that exercise is good for physical health, but it also has great implications for mental health and relationship health. Increased exercise impacts the way your heart pumps blood. Long-term exercise increases your heart’s efficiency in pumping blood to the body. It doesn’t have to work so hard, and this increases heart rate variability, or the amount of time in between heart beats in a given minute. Increased heart rate variability means more regulation (more parasympathetic, or calming, influences) on the heart, and thus, more flexibility in emotional responses. This means that you have more capacity to keep the breaks on when your fight or flight response is triggered, allowing you more time to thinking critically, solve problems, or socially engage before flying off the handle and reacting to environmental stimuli.

Additionally, exercise increases the volume of the prefrontal cortex—the area in the brain associated with learning and memory. Exercise also stimulates the growth of cells by releasing chemicals in the brain. These new cells are then cleaned, solidified, and bonded together to create new memories for individuals.

We have all heard that sleep is important and should be a priority. Sleep does a lot of thing for us—it helps with creativity, remembering physical tasks, and making decisions. Sleep also does two important things in the brain: creates and consolidates memories and clears out toxins. As neurons fire together (and therefore wire together), sleep helps to connect recent memories with earlier memories. This allows individuals to remember how they reacted in past situations, and react differently next time if they desire a different outcome.

Cleaning out toxins in the brain increases attention and memory, helps individuals think clearly, and even impacts the regulation of insulin. Not getting enough sleep inhibits the ability to clear out the toxins, which can be harmful to the connections that are trying to take place in the brain. Sleeping allows us the opportunity to create new and improved experiences each day.

There are many ways individuals can have more influence on emotional responses. These are only two, but by changing our brains and our physiology in the body, we are prepping ourselves for better interactions. Being mindful of how we can impact the physiology of our bodies allows us more control over how we interact with those around us. We increase our capacity to engage more positively and be more satisfied in our relationships.

Originally published by Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Written by Dr. Kayla Mennenga

A couple I once worked with in therapy some time ago—let’s call them Kevin and Gloria—seemed to have a lot going for them: Kevin had a good job and Gloria was active in her community, and they were raising four healthy kids. They reported, however, that as family pressures had built up they had felt a growing distance from each other, and each time they tried to talk about their individual or family challenges, criticism and defensiveness soon followed, and one or both of them would get hurt or angry while nothing was resolved.

Through therapy, they learned how to create a safe space for each other to open up and go a bit deeper. A big breakthrough came when Kevin started sharing about intense criticism he had felt as a child. He talked about his fear of his own children going through the same thing. This helped explain why he felt so strongly about a particular issue. Gloria then shared her own experiences as a mother, comparing herself to other mothers, and her fear of failing to live up to expectations. This helped Kevin better understand the challenges Gloria faced every day.

Although they still disagreed on many issues (and probably always will), they deeply understood each other. They felt a desire to support each other, and suddenly some of the issues didn’t seem so big anymore. Each expressed a feeling of relief, like a weight being lifted off of their shoulders, and more confidence in their relationship.

One of the main goals of relationship therapy is to help couples (1) open up and (2) learn to be ok about the messy details of their own and each other’s lives. Trying to be perfect, individually or as a couple, can add a lot of pressure, which can turn a couple against each other and create a cycle of fighting and withdrawing that hurts the relationship. If, in the middle of all of this mess, both partners can learn to really listen to each other and just be there for each other, things will get much better. To do this, we need to listen, and open up.

Listen

Have you ever tried to talk to someone about something you are struggling with, only to have them ignore what you said and start rattling off all of the pressures they are facing? How useful was that? But how often does this happen to partners under stress! It can be hard to listen to your partner’s troubles when your mind is so full of your own, but when two people are both trying to be heard, it means neither of them are listening.

Listen to your partner. Set aside, for a moment, your own issues and give them as much space as they need. You will disagree with some of what they say, I can almost guarantee it, but this isn’t the time for resolution or debate, this is the time to show your partner you care and that you want to understand them. After all, the best research we have says that 70% of all relationship differences are never resolved anyway, so let’s stop beating our heads against the wall, and start listening with the intent to understand. The goal is just to listen, not to resolve.

Opening Up

Opening up is more than just sharing our complaints and opinions. Sometimes we will need to do a bit of self-exploration first. Maybe when your partner arrived home late without texting and you were angry, underneath that was the memory of your own father arriving home late or not at all, and the hurt you felt associated with that. The anger will push your partner away, but the painful memory may help him or her connect with you and want to support you.

There may be many other secrets or hidden thoughts, feelings or memories you hold back from your partner out of embarrassment or fear of rejection. However, consider the power of feeling loved for who you are, even though there are some parts of you you’re not especially happy about. When we stop holding back the messy parts of ourselves, we are showing trust for our partner’s capacity to love us unconditionally.

Made Strong Through Weakness

Strong relationships aren’t created by perfect people—they become strong when we are willing to drag all of our imperfections out into the open and say, “Here I am, in all of my mess, can you still love me and stick with me?” This is the glue that holds a relationship together, even in the hard times: needing someone, and feeling needed at the same time.

Written by: Sam Ryland, LCSW

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

When I ask couples what I can help them with, the most common response is “communication problems.” In my mind, this term has become a catch-all expression for couples who aren’t really sure what is wrong or who haven’t yet been ready to face deeper issues. They don’t realize they are actually communicating through non-verbal body language, yelling, or even the silent treatment. Problems arise because, as individuals, they don’t recognize the message being sent to them or even the message they are sending to their significant other. After exploring their situation further, I often find that there is much more going on than simple communication problems.

Let’s break down the idea of “communication problems” to see what could really be lurking underneath:

1. Uncomfortable emotions– Our primary emotions are often difficult to feel because they are uncomfortable (hurt, loneliness, jealousy, etc.). Because they are uncomfortable, we often cover them up with another emotion. Enter: Anger. Anger loves to disguise what you are really feeling. It gives us the illusion that we are dealing with the issue, when in fact, we are getting further and further away from it by trying to satisfy and quench our anger. When you find communication breaking down and yourself getting angry and lashing out at your spouse, ask yourself this question, “What am I really feeling?” This will help you dig deeper in order to recognize, feel, and cope with what’s really going on. Anger obviously leads to communication problems because it masks the real issue.
2. Displacement– You have heard of Dad coming home after a bad day at work and kicking the dog in the driveway because he almost tripped over him. The dog did nothing to deserve it other than being alive, but still got the brunt of Dad’s frustration. Similarly, we often displace our difficulties onto our partner. Sometimes we don’t tell them what’s really bothering us and sometimes we do. But either way, communication problems arise because we are struggling with work, children, in-laws, money, self-esteem or other issues not related to our partner. I suggest that when you find yourself displacing issues on your partner, recognize that you are doing so and talk to your partner about what you’re really struggling with. You might find a helping hand waiting for you.
3. Past Injuries– We carry past problems and emotional injuries with us through life. What happened to us last week, during the first week of marriage or even when we were a child can impact how we relate to our partner today. If our partner has hurt us in the past, we are less likely to feel emotionally (or even physically) safe. In our attempt to guard our emotions, we put up walls or distance ourselves, which increases communication problems. I suggest that when a past injury is lingering, address it with your partner. If you are unable to solve it, then seek professional help. When your leg is broken, you go to the doctor; when your relationship is broken, you go to a therapist. They are trained to help you through these difficult issues.
4. Lack of communication skills– Sometimes we don’t communicate well because we simply don’t know how. Learning basic principles of communication will empower you to express yourself in a healthy manner. By going to school, we learn how to be doctors, teachers, or lawyers, but we don’t learn the basics of human interaction and communication. The learning process doesn’t just come naturally to everyone. Deliberate learning and application will help you become an effective communicator. When it comes to marital communication, John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and Susan Johnson (Hold Me Tight) have paved the way through research and practice. Read these books and practice with your partner. You will get better.

When communication with your partner becomes difficult, remember that the underlying problem may not simply be that one of you lacks communication skills. Think about what could be hiding beneath the growing anger or distance between you. As you search this out, you may discover deeper issues that you can discuss and deal with together or that, if necessary, you can receive help with from a therapist.

Written by: Triston Morgan PHD, LMFT

Originally published by Utah Valley Health and Wellness

“Could you make sure to clean the kitchen today?” My wife asked, eyebrows raised. I hesitated trying to think of something to say. I felt my chest tighten and my breathing get shallow. She cocked her head, “What’s wrong?” I stumbled to explain everything I had to do that day without actually saying “No.” Tension began to fill the room. I knew she was comparing her structured nine to five job to my odd therapy schedule that gives me more time at home. I knew she was wondering why more didn’t get done around the house, and I thought about what it must look like from her perspective, to leave in the morning with me at my computer, and come home eight hours later to find me in the same place. How hard is it to fold some laundry, after all? Her forehead crinkled, “I don’t understand why you can’t put thirty minutes aside and clean the kitchen.”

This is a pretty mundane example of the type of things married people argue about. It seems like a pretty simple matter on the surface. The discussion was about doing chores. So why did I feel cornered? Why did something as simple as cleaning the kitchen make me feel so much anxiety? This argument was about more than simply cleaning the kitchen. I felt torn between two demands of great importance: my career or my wife’s good will. I keenly felt the burden of my family’s future resting on my shoulders, and what seemed like an endless to-do list. How could I stop working on that to do something as trivial as cleaning? What good was a clean kitchen if we were drowning in student loan debt? But not cleaning the kitchen meant the evaporation of marital bliss. How could I focus on my work with an upset wife on my mind? Either way, I was in trouble.

Any fly on the wall seeing our argument probably would have thought the issue was as simple as a lazy husband not wanting to do chores. But as in almost every argument, there was something deeper going on below the surface. To my wife, this was not merely a matter of having a clean kitchen. For her, it was about peace of mind. Coming home to a messy house after a hard day adds more stress. When the house is messy, it makes her mind feel chaotic and disordered too. Not only that, but a dirty house reminds her of the instability of growing up with a father who had bipolar disorder and refused to take his medicine. The issue of cleaning the kitchen was proxy for some deeper concerns. For me it was about earning enough to take care of my wife and to prepare for children. For my wife it was about feeling safety and peace in her own home.

Arguments can draw a couple closer together, or they can drive a wedge between them. What makes the difference? That question has a few answers, but one of the big things is whether we ever get to the deeper meanings under the surface of the fight. If we stay on the surface, we may have conclusion, but we won’t have resolution; whether I did the cleaning or not, I would have had stress and felt disconnected from my wife. That’s because what I needed, and what every person needs, is to know and feel that their partner understands and respects them. The reason we had an argument had nothing to do with cleaning at all, it was really about her basic need for safety, and my basic need for competence. We couldn’t fix the problem until we acknowledged the source of our strong emotions and what the fight was really about.

The moment we feel understood by our partner, we can think clearly, and then it’s easy to do problem solving. Next time you’re arguing and feeling upset, ask yourself about the deeper issue behind the disagreement. Find out from your partner what their position means to them. Empathize with their thoughts and feelings, and see how much easier it is to resolve arguments.

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Written by: Kenneth Jeppesen, LAMFT, MMFT

Kenneth is a therapist at the American Fork Center for Couples and Families and is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist. He enjoys helping individuals and couples find peace and happiness and spends the rest of his time learning about everything!

As I have traveled across Scandinavian and Europe recently, I have noticed one thing – people are the same everywhere. They need love, connection, relationships and seek for happiness. As I was with my wife in Oslo, Norway at Fronger Park (most notably known for the ‘Angry Baby’ statue), I noticed several couples showing interesting tendencies. One couple I noticed was on a date. They were sitting in the grass with a bottle of wine and food between them. They were leaning towards each other – literally. I could tell that they were on a date and enjoying themselves and each other. Another couple I saw were in obvious distress. The woman was laying on the grass, turned away from her husband who was standing 10 feet from her looking the opposite direction. She seemed angry as she was in tears and holding her child. I happened to run across this couple a few times in the park. I never saw them talk to each other and the look on the woman’s face remained upset. I could tell that they were in the middle of an argument and not getting along.

When I work in counseling with couples, I often notice where the couple is ‘leaning’ – literally and figuratively. Researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that this matters to the health of your relationship. Do we find ourselves leaning into our spouse when things get difficult or do we lean out? Leaning in towards your spouse might help you find solutions to your problems that you might not find on your own.

Most of us try to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Who likes to feel sad, depressed, lonely, hurt, scared or betrayed? Don’t we try to NOT feel this way? Some may even engage in unhealthy behaviors to avoid their emotions.  I encountered this as a common theme in my work at drug and alcohol rehab facilities.  Though it may be unpleasant, I propose that if we want to feel the comfortable emotions in life, we have to get good at feeling the ones that are not so comfortable.

It is important to realize that uncomfortable emotions are not bad.  We all experience a myriad of emotions; some make us feel better than others.  Because of the discomfort that comes with some, many try to avoid them all together, take them out on others, or deal with them in unhealthy ways.  The trick to dealing with emotions in a healthy manner is not to get rid of them, but rather to embrace them and then let them go.  As I work with couples or individuals in therapy, I often review three simple steps to dealing with emotions:

1. Recognize: Identifying what we are feeling is the first step. If we don’t know what we are feeling, then we will not be able to do anything with it. It will unwittingly control us. When I ask a client what they are feeling they will often reply, “I’m angry.” Anger, however, is what I call a false emotion. It only exists as it attaches itself to what we originally felt. For example, if someone were to post something mean about you on social media it might make you feel hurt. What is our natural reaction to something like this? We might want to lash out at that person. This is us embracing anger instead of hurt. In this case, the anger covers up the hurt and offers the illusion that it is protecting us—that it is keeping us safe from future hurt—when all it is doing is making it so that we remain hurt. Anger is insatiable. It can never be satisfied. Have you ever felt good after embracing your anger? No. We feel even more angry. That is why I call anger a false emotion. Let anger be the first sign that you are actually feeling something else. Ask yourself the question, “What am Ireally feeling?” in order to recognize your true emotions.
2. Feel: This is the hardest step. After we have recognized that we feel hurt, for example, we usually don’t want to embrace that feeling. This goes back to not wanting to feel uncomfortable feelings. When we allow ourselves to feel these emotions, we then have power to do something with them. Consider the following example: You have a couch in your house that you really detest. This is the ugliest, most horrible piece of furniture ever created. It is so ugly that no one will touch it. How do you handle it? You can’t magically make it disappear—you actually have to pick it up and move it yourself. It seems ironic that in order to move something out of your house that you don’t like, you actually have to get closer to it and touch it. The same goes for our emotions. When we feel them (get closer to them, touch them, pick them up) then we have the power to do something with them.
3. Cope: This is the step most people want to skip straight to. We want to cope with or let go of our emotions without feeling them. But doing this can get us into trouble. When we try to cope with our emotions without first picking them up, what we are really doing is distracting ourselves from feeling something uncomfortable. This is similar to taking a blanket and covering the ugly couch in our house—it’s still there! What we choose to distract ourselves with (i.e., social media, pornography, substances, food, work) then becomes our go-to every time we feel uncomfortable, and an addiction is born. Coping with an emotion involves not forcing it to leave and not forcing it to stay. We let it go after it has run its course. Then we can do something that helps us recover—such as reading a book or talking with a friend.

Learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions can feel counterintuitive at times. Our initial response may be to react with anger or push them away.  But, as we practice embracing our feelings in order to let them go, we will develop habits that will improve our emotional health and overall internal peace.

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Written by: Triston Morgan, PhD, LMFT

Dr. Morgan is a director and co-owner of Center for Couples and Families, a counseling center, in Utah Valley. He is licensed as a PhD marriage and family therapist, and is originally from Oregon. He and his beautiful wife, Cristina, love to travel and see the world.

What do Y Mountain, Murdock Canal Trail, and Timpanogos Cave all have in common?  They are all well known area attractions, and you have likely hiked at least one of them. However, there are a lot of other trails around Utah Valley, ranging from easy family hikes to more difficult trails, for the outdoors enthusiast. This summer, instead of heading to one of the more popular trails, try these lesser known but equally amazing hikes!

Instead of Utah Lake Parkway, try… Payson Lake Trail

Utah Lake is definitely a highlight in Utah County (and its namesake). But if you love Utah Lake, then you will fall in love with Payson Lake. Just 30 minutes south of Utah Lake, the one-mile trail winds around this beautiful mountain lake. Take a moment to take a dip in the cool water or catch a fish. Bring the family and a picnic and make the most of your hike!

 To get there, take the Payson exit off I-15. Turn left on 100 N and then right on 600 E, the Nebo Scenic Loop. The trail is 11 miles up the road.

 Instead of Stewart Falls, try… Scout Falls

Stewart Falls is a beautiful place to hike to any time of year, but few people know that there is another gorgeous waterfall not too far away. On the Timpooneeke trail, there is the scenic Scout Falls. This 2.4-mile hike takes you through forests and meadows before you arrive at the falls. It is a great date hike!

 To get there, take Highway 92 passing the toll booth into American Fork Canyon. Take the south fork until you see the Timpanooke turnoff. Take the turnoff until you arrive at the parking lot. From the parking lot, walk past the restrooms to the guard station. Then take the right trail on the west side.

 Instead of Rock Canyon, try… Days Canyon Trail

In Maple Canyon there is a fun hike, great for family and friends. The Days Canyon Trailhead is just up the right fork of Hobble Creek Canyon by Cherry Campground. This trail is 3.3 miles long, but can be 2 to 6 miles long, depending on how you combine it with other trails. The trail follows a stream and ends in a beautiful meadow.

 To get there, take Canyon Drive for 2.5 miles into Hobble Creek Canyon. Past the golf course, the road splits. Take the right fork for about 1.5 miles. The parking lot is on your right after Cherry Campground.

Instead of Provo River Parkway, try… Spanish Fork River Trail

An alternative to the Provo River Trail is the Spanish Fork River Trail. This 4.4-mile trail is less than a year old. It is great for running, strolling, or biking.

 To get there, take the Highway 6 exit off I-15 heading towards Price. Continue on Highway 6 for 4 miles and then turn right on Powerhouse Road. Park at Canyon View Park and join the trail there.

 Instead of Battle Creek Falls, try…(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness

Written by: Sarah Toller

Join me in welcoming marriage and family therapist DANIEL COLVER to the Spanish Fork Center for Couples and Families.

He specializes in COUPLES therapy, FAITH-BASED CRISIS counseling, ANXIETY and DEPRESSION treatment. He is currently working on a PhD specializing in integrated healthcare.

Interesting fact about Daniel – he was an AERIAL GUNNER in the U.S. Air Force! He takes that same courage into the counseling room to help you battle life’s difficulties.

http://spanishforkfamilies.com/news/

Clients often ask me how they can overcome addictive behavior to pornography. They want to know how they developed a drive to this behavior in the first place. Did something happen to them when they were younger? Were they born this way? Will it ever go away?

These can be difficult questions to answer, but are worth exploring. In my counseling center I often help clients understand what is called the ‘addiction cycle’. It might feel, to some clients, that they go on auto-pilot when seeking out or viewing pornography, masturbating or other performing other compulsive sexual acts. They can feel as if they are drawn into it without a choice.

The addictive cycle starts with a preoccupation. There is an intense mental focus and an obsessive search for pornography or other sexual stimulation. It is almost as if the addict is in a trance in this step. The second step is called ritualization. The addict goes through a special routine leading to sexual behavior. This step can include, for example, the act of getting on the computer to ‘check your email’, even though the addict knows that this will only lead to viewing pornography. The third step is called compulsive sexual behavior. This is where the sexual act is played out. This act feels as if it is uncontrollable by the addict. This can be something that they feel is easier to finish and complete than fight to overcome or get out of. The last step is called despair. There is an incredibly strong feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness that the addict feels. This is where they seem to snap out of it and come to realize what they have done. These uncomfortable and difficult emotions can often lead them back into the cycle, only to repeat it the same way they played it out the first time.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a well-known sexual addictions specialist, described this addictive cycle as a process that addicts go through again and again. Each time through the cycle it becomes more powerful and intense. There is a seemingly never ending and insatiable nature about this cycle that takes a toll on addicts and their loved ones.

I often work with clients in my Utah therapy practice to recognize the addiction cycle. Through this recognition, clients are empowered to make more deliberate choices instead of going on auto pilot. It seems strange at first for my clients to go through their routine, as I call it, step by step in great detail. But if they are able to honestly lay it all out there, they will be able to recognize the steps before they become too powerful and before they get to the point of no return.

Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

Pornography use is rampant and rising at an alarming rate. We all know the devastating effects that pornography addiction has on individuals, their family members, spouses and children. It can ruin lives, homes, jobs and futures. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with this issue, and many people have struggled with it themselves.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5^th edition) was released a few years ago. Over the years it has adopted many changes. Interestingly enough, however, in this current edition there is no mention of pornography use as a diagnosable disorder. There is a section on sexual dysfunctions and a very large section on substance use, but nothing that addresses the devastating and serious addictive nature of pornography use.

I used to work as a therapist in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in southern California. As I worked with clients I would often hear them talk about relapse. One of the most common stories that I heard was that overcoming their addiction to marijuana, alcohol, meth or other drugs was nothing compared to overcoming their addiction to pornography. This blew me away! I couldn’t believe that these men were more afraid of the internet than they were their drug dealer!

When dealing with pornography addictions it is important to understand that overcoming undesired behaviors is only half of the battle. Learning to deal with difficult emotions in life is a huge part of the battle. There has to be an increase in one’s emotional capacity (ability to tolerate difficult emotions) as life puts more and more on each of our plates. As a counselor in Utah County who specializes in pornography treatment, I have worked with both men and women who struggle with this issue. One common theme that my clients share is that they struggle to handle difficult emotions. They might not recognize this at first, but they all come to understand it through therapy. They learn to increasing their ability to deal with hard emotions which. This starts them down the road to recovery.

I am taking new clients at my Provo counseling center and would be happy to talk with you about your situation.

Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT