Who doesn’t want to be body beautiful? We want to be racing a la Katy Perry in our skin tight jeans, and we want to answer “yes!” to The Pussy Cat Dolls’ question: “Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” Every day, we are bombarded by images of models and celebrities in their form-fitting clothes and hunks with six pack abs.

There is this constant pressure to look good – which includes having those curves at the right places. This is a time when gyms, fitness trainers, diet programs and the entire fitness industry are doing good business. Indeed, we tend to go on a diet or take on a physical fitness program to look the best we can.

However, this search for the perfect body may leave us vulnerable to an insidious problem – eating disorders. To be sure, eating disorders are rooted in a number of factors, not just the search for body beautiful. These factors include a poor self and body image, the family environment, life events and many more. There are also instances where food is used as a coping mechanism to those who are overwhelmed by the pressures they are facing in life. Needless to say, food becomes the focal point of one’s attention to the point where this pre-occupation results in damaging behaviors. The obsession with food, weight and a great body also affects one’s ability to see themselves in a more objective manner.

Eating Disorder Facts

Below are the most common types of eating disorders:

–          Anorexia. This is rooted in a distorted body image where one see himself or herself as being “too fat”, never “thin enough”. Because of this, those stricken with anorexia may starve themselves and may sometimes also exercise obsessively to the point where their bodies are gaunt and underweight. Anorexia nervosa produces serious damage to the body which can even end in death.

–          Bulimia. This is marked by the compulsion to go on an eating binge and then purge what was eaten to avoid gaining the weight. Bulimics may make use of diet pills, laxative or vomit inducing tools for them to get rid of the possible weight gain as a result of the eating binge.

–          Binge eating disorder. This is marked by a compulsion to overeat, even when one is already full. The urge to overeat is often accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-disgust, which perpetuates the vicious cycle as the more one feels bad, the harder it is to resist the compulsion to eat.

These eating disorders do not just strike women. These past few years has seen an increase in the existence of eating disorders in men. Based on statistics provided by the National Eating Disorder Association, there are ten million Americans with an eating disorder. This translates to some 10 to 15% of the population having some type of eating disorder.

Statistics also show that the eating disorders may last for one to 15 years, or even longer. If the case is serious enough and no moves are taken to treat the disorder, health consequences are irreversible, where 5 to 10% of those with anorexia die after ten years and 18 to 20% of those in anorexia die after 20 years since contracting this illness.

Signs of Eating Disorders

As parents and for our own health, we should be alert to spot signs of an eating disorder. Here are some of them:

–          Unhealthy pre-occupation with weight and dieting. This involves an obsession with counting calories, ensuring that one gains or losses a certain amount of weight and constant dieting, even when they are objectively within their ideal weight.

–          Change in eating behavior. An anorexic may avoid eating with the family or any social event that involves eating. A bulimic person will often ask to be excused and will make trips to the bathroom immediately after a meal. Those with a binge eating disorder may try hoarding food or eating alone. Food may also mysteriously “disappear” from cupboards and refrigerators and food wrappers may be found under the pillow, inside pockets and so on.

–          Physical signs. This includes the growth of hair in unusual places like the face, absence of menstruation, swelling of the glands that result in one’s looking like a chipmunk, poor teeth, complaints about stomach aches or dizziness and blood shot eyes. Bulimics are also marked by poor dental hygiene and cracked lips as a result of self-induced vomiting.

–          Compulsive and often excessive exercising, even in bad weather.

–          Rapid and unusual weight loss or gain.

–          Use of diuretics, diet pills and laxatives. Those who are diabetic may try to avoid taking in their required dose of insulin.

–          Evidence of purging. There are signs of vomiting or the use of enemas in the bathroom.

Getting help

Eating disorders are best identified and treated while it is still early and the physical effects are not yet serious. Those with eating disorders will benefit from counseling and therapy during this time. This will help those with an eating disorder come to terms with the reasons behind the behavior and equip themselves with tools to help them towards positive and healthy behaviors.

However, it is also important to remember that those with eating disorders are struggling and may be wary about getting help. There may even be some who will resist getting help. Although it is beneficial to get your loved one or friend into a therapist in Utah as early as possible, you must be exercise caution when you approach and communicate with the loved one concerned.  You must remember not to be confrontational, but instead calm, respectful, loving and positive.

With the help of an experienced counselor or therapist, one can address issues of poor body image, which is commonly the root of the eating disorder. The therapist in Provo can also help the patient through feelings of confusion, shame and loneliness that result from the eating disorder. The therapist can provide cognitive-behavioral therapy to help those with eating disorders to be aware of negative thoughts and behavior and how to counter them with positive coping tools. This may also include education and equipping on issues such as good nutrition and healthy ways to manage one’s weight.

For those who are looking for a therapist in Provo, Utah, be sure to visit Dr. Triston Morgan’s office for an initial consultation on how one can get help for an eating disorder. Dr. Morgan specializes in providing a positive, non-confrontational environment as therapy is provided for a patient’s recovery.

 

You notice your teen acting strangely lately, but you shrug it off with the thought that teens do act strange and that it is just his “emo” phase. But is it really? Is it just a teen’s moods swings (which is normal) or is it already depression? How can you even know?

Depressing Facts about this Mental Illness

Depression is a mental illness. It is not just having an “emo phase”, which can be normal during the teenage years.  The teenage years are a source of a lot of drama between the parents and the teen. This is a time of great upheaval – the teen is facing confusion about his identity, his transition from childhood into adulthood. Add in peer pressure, stress from school and home and other setbacks in life into the mix and you may have a teen who feels sad and angry. But normally, these feelings fade over time.

Not so with depression. Depression is a mental state or mood that persists for weeks, even months. There is an overwhelming sense of despair, guilt or even anger. And depression can hit teens and hit hard. According to statistics from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), about 1 in every 12 teens are affected with depression. And this will rise to be 3 in every 12 teens by the time these teens reach age 18. In addition, one out of every 5 teens who have suffered from clinical depression will also carry this well into adulthood.

There are many types of depression that can strike teenagers:

Major depression. The sad mood that persists is already affecting the teen’s ability to function normally – to eat, sleep and study. There is a constant feeling of helplessness and an inability to feel happy.

Bipolar disorder. This is marked by alternating moods. One moment, your teen can’t seem to be bothered to even lift a finger and in another moment there is high (though negative) energy. One moment, your teen explodes into a temper tantrum and then in another dissolves into tears with no apparent. Bipolar disorder is usually developed during the late teens and early adulthood and may strike 1 to 2% of teens.

Dysthymia. This is marked by irritability, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and low self-esteem but is not as severe as major depression. However, the feelings may last for a long time, in some cases for more than a year.

Dealing with teen depression

The good news is that depression can be treated successfully. The bad news is that depression is just attributed as a phase and only about 1 out of 5 teens get treated. As parents and caregivers of teens, it is important that we are on the lookout for the red flags that point towards depression to ensure that our teens get the help they need.

Note the following red flags; consider the length and severity wherein these symptoms have been present and lastly, how large the disparity of the child’s present behavior as opposed to his “usual” self.

–          Increased behaviors that point towards anger, sadness, hopelessness, irritability or hostility

–          Increased frequency of crying and temper tantrums. The teen may cry for no obvious reason.

–          Increased withdrawal from family and even from past friends. The teen may avoid social or family activity and would rather be alone.

–          The teen constantly has no energy or motivation and may start neglecting their hygiene and appearance.

–          Loss of interest in sports, hobbies and activities that the teen used to enjoy.

–          Shifts in bedtime and eating habits. May exhibit signs of an eating disorder – loss of appetite, unexplained weight gain or weight loss.

–          Lack of the ability to focus.

–          Comments about suicide or death, especially those that mention these as being beneficial or advantageous to him (i.e. “Perhaps more people will love me if I’m gone.”)

–          Increased complaints about stomachaches, headaches, back pains and dizziness where there is no medical cause.

–          Deteriorating school performance – drop in grades, discipline problems at school and truancy.

–          Preoccupation with sadness and death, may exhibit self-destructive behavior

–          Makes effort to run away from home or talks about it

Also take note that in some teens, depression may be predominantly marked by hostility, irritability and aggression rather than sadness.

Getting help

With teen depression, there is a tendency to act in self-destructive ways – attempt suicide, abuse drugs or alcohol, exhibit reckless behavior that may endanger self or others and so on. Suicide ranks in the top 3 causes of deaths among American teens. That is why it is important to get an early diagnosis and seek help from Provo counselors.

Getting a counselor that is not just qualified and trained but also experienced in handling troubled teens will be particularly helpful. If necessary, you must also get the help of a Provo substance abuse counselor to deal with alcohol or drug abuse.

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association shows that prevention programs, including individual or family counseling in Utah and therapeutic boarding schools, can really help to arrest the negative effects of teen depression. And by doing so, these also prevent alcohol and drug use or abuse, eating disorders and so on.  Teens usually need to simply get the tools to help him deal with teen depression.

If you are looking for an experienced family counselor in Provo, Utah, do give Dr. Triston Morgan a call. He has extensive experience in working with troubled teens, especially those with substance abuse issues. He provides his therapy in a non-confrontational environment that helps the child open up.

 

Do you feel trapped in a relationship where the normal range of emotions includes fear, humiliation and the feeling of being trapped? Do you feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner and have to deal with insults, intimidation and manipulation? Are you constantly being belittled and your opinions rejected, even scoffed at?  Are you struggling with your own self worth and feel the constant need for validation? You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse deals with eroding a person’s sense of self-worth and self confidence. Remember the sayings, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”? Well, in an emotionally abusive relationship, this is far from the truth. Although it dwells mostly on the emotions and does not leave any visible wounds, the scars that come from years of emotional abuse may be harder to heal than physical ones.

Emotional abuse may be marked by aggression (constant criticisms, blaming, insulting and name calling), denial (seeks to deny a reality i.e. “That never happened.” “No one ever said or did that to you.” or giving the silent treatment as punishment) and minimizing (reducing the victim’s feelings as something trivial, where the victim is just overreacting). Emotional abuse seeks to marginalize one’s strengths while magnifying one’s weaknesses.

The result is that the victim feels not just hurt and angry, but also powerless and lacking in confidence. The victim may start accepting the emotional abuse as the norm and may have failed to give value to their own opinions, perceptions and feelings.  Over time, the abuse can produce serious psychological damage to the victim and can turn into an anxiety disorder or depression. The victim may also turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs to deal with the situation and may need the help of a Utah substance abuse counselor.

Usually, the one doing the emotional abuse is himself or herself a victim of such abuse. He or she may also have a low level of self-worth and may feel the need to put others down to feel good about himself or herself.

How do you know that you are in an abusive relationship?

Here are some marks of an emotionally abusive relationship:

–          Use of words that demean and insult, even if there are other people who are witnesses to it

–          Making baseless accusations

–          Denying something ever happened or if it did, that the victim is just exaggerating or being too sensitive about it

–          Arguments where only one party is doing the talking and never the listening

–          Insulting, demeaning or belittling the other even when the victim becomes upset and vulnerable to the abuse. Even as the victim starts crying or asks for a time out, the abuser continues with the behavior.

–          Refusal to be pleased by anything the other partner does or says

–          May also be sometimes accompanied by other forms of abuse (i.e. physical abuse or sexual abuse)

–          May blame the other partner for his or her infidelities

–          The victim may become increasingly isolated from loved ones and friends.

Please note also that the role of victim and abuser may switch, depending on the type of relationship. An individual who is a victim of emotional abuse with his or her spouse may be the abuser when he or she is with friends or loved ones.

Getting help for emotional abuse

One does not have to settle with a life marked by feelings of helplessness and humiliation. You can start to see your worth as a person and learn not to accept abuse but to assert yourself. One good way to begin is by going into therapy in Utah. If you are the victim of emotional abuse, it may be best for you to get counseling first as an individual rather than dragging your partner to go for couples counseling. With individual therapy, the victim may start the journey of rediscovery towards his or her sense of self-worth and self-esteem and learn how to assert himself or herself in the relationship.

Going for marriage counseling in Provo may work if both partners are willing to admit to the problem and to change. They can start by trying to identify the root causes of the abusive behavior and then learn communication techniques that do away with abusive language. However, that is usually not the case as the abuser may try to use the couples therapy sessions as a way to point the responsibility of the problem to the other party.

The comfort is that one can get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. A marriage should be a relationship that brings you joy, peace and comfort. If you feel otherwise, if you feel that you are being demeaned, belittled and if your self-worth is being battered, then it is time for you to seek professional help through counseling. If you know of someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship, chances are, he or she may be hesitant to go for help. You may have to help by accompanying him or her to the counseling session and by supporting him or her throughout.

For those who are seeking help for emotional abuse in the Provo, Utah area, do try to contact Dr. Triston Morgan. Dr. Morgan is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a Ph. D of the same from Brigham Young University. Through his years of practice in the state of Utah, he has helped individuals and couples first discover who they are and how their relationships can be strengthened.

 

Fight club! Does your family feel like a warzone? Do you feel that your family is into an argument or a fight half the time? Don’t be surprised. Conflict is part and parcel of being a family. Remember, a family is made up of different people. Yes, they are related by blood (and love), but sometimes they come with different personalities, beliefs and opinions. And these differences may sometimes chafe another member of the family.

Conflicts within the family are normal, even healthy, up to a certain point. However, conflicts may escalate to the point where other family members are affected. The conflicts have a negative impact not just on the relationship but on the family’s wellbeing, happiness, and day to day functioning. There may be a need for family members to go into Utah family therapy in order for each member to know how to communicate and resolve conflicts in an effective and healthy manner.

Different kinds of conflict

There are different kinds of conflict – conflict between the husband and wife, between a parent and a child and between siblings. Spouses may have conflict due to money matters, how the kids are to be disciplined, how to deal with in laws and so on. Parents may have conflict with a child as the child tries to test limits and assert a certain level of independence. Siblings may fight due to conflicts about personal space and respect for one’s property and privacy.

Other sources of family conflicts include substance abuse, a child playing the truant at school or a child’s rebellious behavior. Or, the family may be undergoing some stress or grief caused by transferring from one place to another, a breadwinner losing his or her job or the death of a loved one.

These conflicts and issues may affect one or more family members – resulting in higher levels of stress that in turn result in changes in sleeping patterns and eating habits. It may even produce physical symptoms such as stomachaches or headaches.

In an effort to ensure that a family stays strong in the midst of conflict, the family can create guidelines on how they will deal with conflict. It is important to encourage open communications but this should be balanced with mutual respect. Here are some guidelines that can provide helpful:

• Have regular family meetings. Provide a venue where family members can openly communicate. This will actually prevent plenty of conflicts in that potential arguments are headed off and resolved before they become a full blown conflict. Communicating also creates a deeper understanding for other family members, their feelings and reasoning and how these affect their actions.
• Calm down. A blow-up from one family member may negatively affect the rest of the family. When you feel yourself getting emotionally worked up, take a moment to calm yourself down. You may have to leave the room or take a short breather. This will help put you in the proper frame of mind. When one is emotionally charged, it can hamper the way you can objectively look at things with the view of resolving them.
• Focus on the issue at hand. Discuss the issue that caused the conflict. However, avoid the temptation of making “you” statements (i.e. You never listen to me. You are doing this just to irritate me.) Instead, go and identify the core problem so that you can start discussing ways on how to deal with it.
• Choose which battles to fight. Family situations are often complex. There will be trivial issues and large ones that can be potential sources of conflict. Choose which battle to fight. Sometimes, when you solve the bigger issue, it will trickle down to solving other smaller issues. Relationships are about give and take as well. Don’t expect other members of the family to agree with each other on all issues – agree to disagree and respect each other’s opinions. Learn to meet halfway.
• Come up with and discuss solutions. Going into family counseling may help you be better at exploring solutions for a problem. Discuss these solutions with the family so that they can evaluate and help with making the final decision. Some solutions may require changes – evaluate a chosen solution over a period of time to see if it is the right solution for the issue at hand.

Getting Help

Going for family counseling will help in resolving family conflict. An experienced and well-trained family therapist can help the family recognize how each one communicates, how to understand a situation and deal with the problem in the most effective way. With the help of a well-trained and experienced family therapist in Utah, families can learn to find their way out of conflict and build a stronger bond with each other.

When you are in the Provo, Utah area, feel free to drop by Dr. Triston Morgan’s family and Provo marriage therapy practice.  Dr. Morgan holds a Ph. D in marriage and family therapy. Ever since he started his practice in Utah, he has helped a considerable number of couples and families deal with conflict in a positive and non-confrontational way.

They say that the only constant thing in life is change. You can liken life as clouds in the sky – they are constantly changing form. Like it or not, change will come. That’s life, after all. We face various seasons of our lives that result in major transitions that necessitate a change in our lifestyle and outlook. Depending on how welcome the change is, it can be met with happiness, an openness to change and a positive attitude or it can be encountered with fear, anxiety and stress. It is important to realize that life transitions can be an uncertain (and even scary) time, but it can also be a time of growth.

Transitions can be due to expected events or they can be unpredictable and unwelcome events. Examples of life transitions include:

– Getting married and starting a family. This exciting phase in the life of couples can be a cause for much joy or stress. Becoming a parent is a challenge and will require much adjustment from the couple. Once the children come, you as parents discover that you have grown in ways you did not expect. You are challenged to earn a good income to provide for your family’s needs and still be able to “be there” and have time to raise up your children into responsible adults. At the same time, there is a challenge to maintain your relationship with your spouse. All these may create pressure and stress that result in emotional conflict with your spouse and children.

– Getting the empty nest. Another life transition is seeing your children grow up to be mature, independent individuals who will eventually leave the comfort and safety of the home you have built up. As the children leave the nest to form their own, parents (especially mothers) feel a disconnect about how they are – since their lives were more or less defined by their being parents. Parents who are unable to handle this transition may become depressed and dwell with their “loss” rather than look for opportunities of growth with this new phase in life.

– Getting retired or getting fired from your job. For the retirees, your life was defined largely by who you are at work for so many years now. And then suddenly, that is taken away from you. You used to spend eight hours or more in the office and now you don’t quite know what to do with those eight or more hours. For those who lose their jobs, there is the pain of rejection, the loss of self-worth and the fear that you are unable to get back on your feet.

– Losing a loved one or dealing with sickness. This is one transition that we face with dread. Dealing with a loss of a loved one or seeing them laid up with sickness is painful. We can turn towards other loved ones and friends for support and comfort at the time of our grief. Or we may even turn to drugs and alcohol to dull the pain.

These are just some of the transitions we normally face in life. There are other transitions – whether tragic or happy (i.e. winning the lottery, having to transfer homes) – that mark the different phases or chapters in our lives. These times can be very emotional and stressful.

When handled properly, these transitions help us develop as persons. However, transitions may also throw us into a downward spiral of emotional instability that could lead to substance abuse and bouts of depression. During these times, it will be helpful to see a therapist and even a substance abuse counselor, if applicable.

Accepting change and growing from them

There are two reactions towards transitions: fight it and delay it or accept it and grow from it. If you choose to drag your heels and resist the change that is coming, you are only just delaying the inevitable and making things harder for you. Resisting the transition in your life can cause you more stress and emotional upheaval. It can even affect relationships with family, friends and co-workers. It can drain you not just emotionally but also physically.

The help of an experienced and able counselor in Utah can help you through life’s transitions, especially if these are unwelcome ones. They can help guide us to the answers to questions like, “How do I deal with a recent divorce?” “How do I enjoy my retirement period?” “How do I cope with the loss of a loved one?” Life counselors can help us sort through the muddle caused by these transitions and provide us with the tools that we need to cope and grow from these experiences.

When the transitions of life become too challenging for you (and your spouse and loved ones), don’t be afraid to go into marriage or family therapy in Provo. One good indication that you may benefit from counseling or therapy may be when you are unable to deal with a transition and it affects how you relate with other people and the stress begins to manifest in you not just emotionally but also physically. A good therapist will provide you with not just a supportive ear but will help map the way out for you to successful deal with the transitions in your life.

If you are residing in Provo, Utah, you can count on Dr. Triston Morgan to help you deal with the life transitions you are facing. Dr. Morgan is a licensed family and Provo marriage therapist and has established a reputable practice in the state of Utah. He has since helped families and couples by providing them with effective tools to grow and thrive in the midst of life’s challenges.

 

 

Money, money, money! This is one of the main reasons why couples argue and fight, and when the differences become “irreconcilable”, the couple can face marital breakdown. In fact, finances are a hot topic for couples undergoing marriage counseling. Especially in today’s challenging economic times, couples face strained married relationships due to concerns about saving, finances, keeping a job and investing.

Money and how the family’s finances are handled can be a source of arguments and bitter disagreements. The problem with money is that based on your upbringing, personal experiences and personality, it can mean a lot of different things. Money can be viewed as a source of enjoyment, security, love, control or power. That is why two people (who have different backgrounds and personalities) living together “as one” will eventually have to tackle money problems.

Here are some reasons why couples fight about money:

–          Couples may not have the same financial upbringing. One may enjoy spending money like there’s no tomorrow while the other feels it’s important to establish a savings account.

–          One partner feels annoyed or betrayed about the other partner’s money habits.

–          One partner feels that he or she has little control concerning the finances.

Before things head for serious problems, you and your partner should sit down and discuss matters. Communicating (and coming to an agreement) about money is the first step toward putting your family’s finances in order.

Below are some tips to help you succeed with the “money talk”:

–          Discuss money when emotions are not high. It is best to set a “neutral” time where the atmosphere is relaxed and there are no pressures about money in the offing. Don’t wait for a money issue to come up before you invite your spouse to talk about money, especially if you’re already holding the credit card bill or the unbalanced check book.

–          Communicate. Try to uncover your spouse’s feelings and views about money. To do this, you may have to start by sharing your own feelings and thoughts on the matter. You may need to discuss your family background (how your parents handled money), your financial goals and aspirations. This may also include a discussion of what level of saving/spending you feel comfortable with.

–          Set guidelines. Agree with your spouse about guidelines as to how and when you will discuss money matters. For instance, you can agree that you will not discuss money in public, in front of your children, while you’re in bed or driving in the car. You can also agree to avoid the use of words such as “you never” or “you always”.  A non-attacking approach using I statements (i.e. “I feel” or “I think” should be used instead. You can agree not to make threats during money discussions such as “If you spend this much, I will divorce you.”

–          Make agreements on how to handle money. Who pays for which expenses? Will the money be pooled together? Who handles bill payments and bookkeeping?

–          Set goals. Identify short term and long term financial goals for your family. Long term goals cover where you want to be financially in five years, ten years. Your long term goals may include saving up for a child’s education, saving a certain amount of money as down payment for a dream house, saving up for a dream vacation, or paying off certain debts. Short term goals may include setting up a weekly budget and a plan on how to stick to it, opening a savings account, getting rid of a credit card and so on.

–          Agree to be accountable. Marriage is a partnership and each spouse is accountable to the other as they together work to meet the financial goals they have set. This does not necessarily mean that you have to report to your spouse on every dollar you spend. However, this does mean that you should not keep spending secrets from your spouse.

–          Get some help. If your money arguments seem to be circling around without getting resolved, it may be time to get a third party to help. A marriage counselor can do a lot to help you as a couple to sort out money issues you may be struggling with.

Marriage Counseling and how it can help

An emotionally charged topic such as money can set off bombs in the relationship. An experienced marriage therapist can equip couples with vital tools to help them deal with key financial issues. This includes hashing out the differences in each spouse’s financial outlook and attitudes. The family counseling sessions can uncover damaging financial habits and outline the path towards freedom from these habits.

All kinds of problems can stem from financial problems. In some cases, one of the marital partners may have sought temporary help from drugs or alcohol in order to alleviate the burden of financial problems. A substance abuse counselor is helpful in discussing issues such as these, as well as any sex-related problems in the marriage.

For those located in Provo, Utah who are searching for a licensed and experienced therapist to help with any of these issues, call Triston Morgan. He is a professional marriage and family therapist in the state of Utah. For years, he has helped couples, families and teens recover from many types of problems and emerge stronger as a unit.

Triston Morgan has a master’s degree and PhD in marriage and family therapy from Loma Linda University and Brigham Young University, respectively. He is licensed to provide PREPARE/ENRICH courses that can help to prepare couples for a long and happy marriage in the Provo, Utah area.

How do you define infidelity in a marriage? Does it mean having a physical or sexual relationship with someone other than a spouse? Or do you consider an emotional affair as also being unfaithful – even though nothing sexual has happened? How much closeness in a friendship can be considered okay?

Emotional Affairs: Infidelity of the heart

An emotional affair is present when your spouse is spending a lot of energy, emotion and time with another person outside of the relationship so much so that it is affecting your relationship. When a partner is having an emotional affair, he is putting an emotional distance between himself and his partner. He may be doing this out of feelings that the other person can give him something that he isn’t getting at home. There is a certain type of excitement in knowing that there is someone other than your spouse whom you can have an intimate relationship with.

The result is a loss of intimacy between the two partners – a wedge has been created and if this is not addressed, the wedge may widen and shake the foundations of a marriage. Although nothing physical may have happened, the damage an emotional affair may wreak on the relationship can be equal to or even greater than a sexual affair. There is an element of betrayal and deception that will certainly be hurtful to the other partner.

There are also emotional affairs that progress towards becoming sexual in nature. A spouse may cross the line by looking for ways to become more intimate that might be seen as acceptable to some.

How do you know if there is an emotional affair?

An emotional affair may have started out as a harmless connection with someone who’s “just a friend”. However, when left unchecked, it can spiral into an emotional affair. You may have reason to believe that your spouse is involved in this type of relationship with someone.

Here are some signs that point to an emotional affair:

–          Being secretive. There is such a thing as respecting each other’s privacy, but if your partner is too gung-ho about protecting his or her privacy, this may raise some questions. He or she may try to hide friendships from their partner. If the partner already knows, then he or she might try to hide the extent of the friendship. Your spouse may decline to talk about e-mails, calls or texts that they receive from that friend. They may also become agitated or express irritation when you walk in without warning while he or she is on the computer.

–          Being defensive.  You may have noticed your spouse getting his or her back up when asked about the friendship, saying that the spouse is over-reacting to a “harmless friendship”.

–          Becoming aggressive. Your spouse may start being critical of you. There is also the tendency to pick fights and argue over the littlest things.

–          Becoming distant. Your spouse may be having an emotional affair when he or she looks forward to spending time with the “friend” rather than with their partner. They seek to have opportunities to see the friend. Meaningful conversations with the spouse fizzle out and so does intimacy. The couple’s sexual life may also be affected by this emotional disconnection. There may be sexual fantasies and daydreams about how it would feel to cross the line and make the affair into a physical one.

–          Being pre-occupied. The “cheating” spouse may start daydreaming about the friend and plan to spend time with him or her. Another sign would be if you notice your spouse becoming too pre-occupied with the affairs of someone who is “just a friend”. He or she may criticize that friend’s known relationships.

An emotional affair sometimes happens in the workplace, or with a civic group or with a friend of the family. The “cheating” spouse may start feeling that the “friend” understands his or her situation more than the spouse does. Emotional affairs may also happen through chat rooms and social networking sites.

It is important to recognize the signs of an emotional affair and address them. Seek professional help and get couples counseling to address the issues properly. Both partners must be willing to work through this infidelity in order to fix the problem before it is too late. The help of a third party such as a marriage therapist (who has the training and skills necessary) can be invaluable.

Mending the Marriage

Sometimes you (as a couple) will need outside help to deal with this problem. With the help of marriage counseling, couples can start rebuilding trust and develop accountability with each other. It is advisable for the couple to get help quickly so that the offended spouse can begin the process of forgiveness. The family counseling sessions will cover tools on how the couple can rebuild trust and repair damages in their relationship.

A good marriage counselor will also work to find out the weaknesses in the marriage that caused one of the spouses to even consider getting into an emotional affair. Your counselor can help discover how to strengthen these areas so that the relationship is less vulnerable to temptations in the future. Marriage counseling can also help to put the emotional affair into perspective and guide the couple in learning how they can grow from the experience.

It takes experience and a wealth of insight for marriage therapy to help couples through difficult times such as these. This is what Triston Morgan offers his clients. Triston practices marriage and family therapy in Provo, Utah. He is also ENRICH/PREPARE certified. These are courses for engaged and married couples.

Triston Morgan has helped couples and families in Utah for years. He also serves as a substance abuse counselor particularly for teens. Triston holds a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Loma Linda University and a PhD from Brigham Young University.

 

Perhaps it all started with one sip or one puff. Then come the reasonings:

• The other kids do it as well and they look so cool.
• I couldn’t say no to my friends.
• They said that Ecstasy is a great way to party.
• I thought I could stop and get out anytime I wanted.

Sadly, substance abuse is growing into a major problem for teens. Teens are trying a whole list of substances – tobacco, alcohol, marijuana and even progressing on to more dangerous stuff like cocaine and heroin.

Based on findings from the 1998 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse, young people ranging from 16 to 20 comprise a whopping 36.3 percent of current illicit drug users. What’s more, there are over 1 million teens aged 12 to 17 that can be considered dependent on illicit drugs and close to a million dependent on alcohol. There are also over 10 million young people ages 12 to 20 that drink alcohol with almost half considered to be binge drinkers.

This is every parent’s nightmare – to see their healthy and dynamic child being held in the grips of substance abuse. Substance abuse results in increased vulnerability and risk for teenagers. Not only are their mental and emotional health impaired, it also makes them more prone to be involved in risky behaviors. These include being involved in traffic accidents (some resulting in death), risky sexual behaviors (i.e. sex without protection, having sex at an early age), and delinquent behavior at home and in school and involvement in criminal acts.

Knowing the signs of substance abuse

Parents must be vigilant to the changes taking place in the lives of our teens. We may sometimes make the mistake of thinking that the changes in behavior are just part of a phase. We also may be too busy with our own lives, so that we don’t notice these signs in our teens. Changes in the behavior of your teen may point to substance abuse, especially if the behavior seems more than a phase and lasts for weeks or is sudden and extreme:

–          Sudden decline in school performance, reports of truancy or delinquency

–          Discipline issues at school

–          Changes in overall attitude, temper outbursts that are unusual

–          Extreme reactions, flare-ups, unexpected aggression to the point of being physically or verbally abusive to others

–          Disinterest in activities and hobbies that he had previously enjoyed and regularly indulged in, withdrawal from family and other social activities

–          Avoids bringing friends over; changes in circle of friends

–          Nervousness and secretiveness (although being secretive can also mark a teenager’s desire for increased privacy)

–          Being extremely sensitive to inquiries about where he’s been and what he’s been doing

–          Decline in hygiene and grooming habits

–          Tends to wear sunglasses, even at occasions and places where they’re not called for

–          Declining concentration and forgetfulness

–          Change in wardrobe, especially the tendency to wear long-sleeved shirts (even during warm or hot weather)

–          May start asking you for money for “projects” or may start borrowing money from siblings and friends

–          Items in the home that mysteriously get “lost”

–          Breaking the curfew

–          Having drug-related paraphernalia on their person (such as pipes, needles, syringes and so on)

Getting help for Substance Abuse

It is important to recognize the signs and to act quickly. The longer the teen uses these substances, the more difficult it will be to break free from them. One way to get help is to work with a substance abuse counselor. Substance abuse counseling sessions will help the teen identify and recognize the fact that there is indeed abuse. Then the counselor will lead the teen to the realization of consequences of the substance abuse and provide a path to finding alternatives to it.

Parents may also need to get family counseling as they struggle to deal with their teen. Substance abuse counseling can provide parents with crucial tools to help them support their teens during this difficult time. Even when teens are unable or unwilling to attend counseling, couples counseling can help parents control their reactions as well as apply intervention measures and strategies to help the teen break free from the substance abuse.

To help you during this time, you need a therapist who understands what you’re going through and who has extensive experience dealing with troubled teens. Triston Morgan is one such therapist. He has spent years helping Utah teens combat addiction. This includes acting as a therapist in Utah in rehabilitation clinics, wilderness therapy programs, community therapy centers and residential programs. Triston is also a licensed marriage and family therapist and holds his practice in Provo, Utah.

Tragedy strikes when we least expect it and the loss may turn your world (and your family’s) upside-down. This is particularly true with the loss of a loved one. Pain and grief comes to the family and hits hard, especially to children. Children often feel it more intensely and may have a harder time recovering from the loss. How do you deal with the grief and the pain? How will you help your children who are looking to you for stability and security?

Dealing with Grief and Loss

Here are some reminders to help you as you deal with grief yourself and also try to muster up the comfort that your children may need during this difficult time.

Make time for your grief. The process of grieving takes time – there may be even some instances when you feel that the grief will just not let up. The time immediately after the death of a loved one may be a busy one – there is the funeral and burial to be arranged, well-wishers and mourners to be looked after. However, you should give yourself and your family time to sit down and grieve. Acknowledge your feelings – don’t suppress them.

Grieve in your own way. People grieve in different ways. As long as you are not doing anything hurtful or harmful to you or to others, you can choose to grieve in your own way. Don’t allow anyone to set a timetable for your grief or tell you how to feel. In the same way, don’t push children to overcome their grief within a certain timetable.

Realize that it’s normal to be angry. Anger is a part of the process of grieving. Your children may go through a period where they express anger at what has happened that resulted in the tragic loss of a loved one. Don’t belittle or deny the child’s feelings but reassure him or her of your presence at this time.

Be alert for damaging behaviors.  Even though grief comes in different forms, there are healthy ways to grieve and there are ways that are not so healthy. Damaging behaviors include turning to substance abuse to numb the pain. In the same way, you should also be on the lookout for damaging behaviors or methods of grief that your children may try to employ.

Don’t go at it alone. Turn to the company of loved ones and friends and say yes to help when it is offered. Instead of avoiding offers of help from loved ones and friends, tell them what you need. Sometimes people want to help out but are not really sure about the best way to do it. You can also join a support group, which can be a healing experience as you share and relate with people who have gone through the loss of a loved one themselves.

Be there. Let your children know that you are there to help them.  Spend time talking to them every chance you get. Be gentle as you ask questions, probe their thoughts and help them put their feelings into words. Listen and validate their feelings. Accept their feelings. Reassure them of your presence and love.

Share how you cope. Discuss how you cope with your feelings of sadness, uncertainty and fear. If this means drawing comfort from your faith, involve your children in the mourning rituals that are followed by a certain faith. If this means trying to express your feelings using a creative or physical outlet, involve your kids as well. For instance, if you want to make an album about your lost loved one, encourage your children to help out.

Seek help. You and your family may need to seek family counseling to help process your grief and be equipped with tools to positively respond to your and other family members’ grief. Sometimes, unresolved grief can cause a family member to turn to alcohol and drugs. In this instance, it may also be wise to see a substance abuse counselor.

Avoid making big changes in your family life in the immediate future. As much as possible, try to provide a familiar environment for your child. Avoid major changes that your child will need to adjust to on top of the grief he is dealing with.

Family Therapy to Help Cope with Loss

Grieving over a loved one is a process that one has to go through in order to heal, move on and be happy again. This time in the family’s life may be stressful – and the emotional and mental stress it brings may also take a toll on one’s health. Family therapy may help grieving family members cope with the loss.

Oftentimes, when family members are focused on dealing with their own hurts, it is hard to “be there” for others who may need their reassurance and support. A good family therapist or counselor will help families deal with loss, anger and grief. He will map out a strategy as to how the family can move forward along the process of mourning and help the family utilize positive memories and emotions to heal and move forward.

One such therapist is Triston Morgan in Provo, Utah, who has extensive experience in helping families heal from tragic losses. He has also served as a Utah substance abuse counselor, dealing primarily with troubled teens. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who provides a non-confrontational atmosphere by which people can deal with their grief and other issues.

Often adults think that they’re the only ones experiencing stress. But really, children and teenagers get stressed, too. And the stress may be all the more pronounced for teenagers, at the time when they are especially vulnerable. As adolescents struggle to establish their identity, these stressors can sometimes feel more overwhelming. It’s not easy to be a teenager these days!

Parents can be particularly helpful in providing their child with the tools to cope positively with stress. As Hodding Carger Jr. once said, “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings.” When our children have the tools to positively deal with the stress, we actually prepare them for future life, helping them become more resilient, stronger and more able to face the challenges that life has in store for them.

There are times when the stress your teen is experiencing is a bit overwhelming that it eventually becomes a serious problem. You may have to turn to the help of family counseling.

Here are some of the common stressors teens nowadays have to deal with:

1. Body Image pressures. Magazines, movies and even the internet parade sexy women and well-toned, well-muscled men. Teenagers may feel the pressure to look a particular way. They may become vulnerable to pressures to be “thin enough” or “sexy enough”. They may start developing an eating disorder, exercise excessively and be more preoccupied with how one looks and weighs.
2. 2.       Pressure from peers. One of a teenager’s pressing needs is the need to belong, the need to be with the “in crowd”. Peer pressure may come in the form of being able to dress or behave a certain way or belonging to a certain group of friends. Peers may entice teenagers to join them in playing truant, having sex, drink alocohol or try other addictive substances.
3. Relationships. One teenager was crying her eyes out. When asked by a parent, the teen laments, “I love Leonardo di Caprio, and I am just sad that he doesn’t even know that I exist!”. The teenage years is a period of discovery and teens start to feel attraction for the opposite sex (and in some cases the same sex). They may feel the pressure of getting noticed by the person they like. The stress becomes more pronounced when the teenager already has a boyfriend/girlfriend. Fights and breakups take on a large amount of emotional energy.
4. Changes in their bodies. Puberty is a time when hormones are running amuck and when the body undergoes a lot of changes. These changes may feel overwhelming and sometimes frightening. Teenage girls may feel anxiety about getting her period or boys may feel awkward about their changing voices.
5. School stress. The teenager may stress about getting good grades, balancing academics with his or her social life, deal with conflicts with teachers and other persons of authority or having too many activities on top of his academic life.
6. Family stress. As teenagers start to explore boundaries, they may start questioning (or even testing) rules that parents may impose. Parents and teens may not also see eye to eye with many matters such as the teen’s schedule, his curfew, chores, phone and computer usage, friends, choice of college and so on. Siblings also add to the stress, as you can expect siblings to have spats from time to time. Family-related stress can also come in the form of parents divorcing, changes in the family’s finances, the sickness or death of a family member or the need to move to another location.

Helping our teens handle stress

Robert Heinlein reminds parents: “Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.” As parents, though, we can help our child cope with the stress positively and appropriately. Remember, the teenage years are a particularly challenging phase in any person’s life. The feelings and changes as well as the stress they have to deal with make them vulnerable to depression, drugs and alcohol use.

Be there for them. At this stage, it is important for a teenager to have someone he or she can talk to. Chances are, if he can’t talk to his parents, he will turn to peers for advice (and you’re not really sure what kind of advice his friends will give). Make your teenager understand that when he or she needs to talk, you are there to listen. Carve out time for one-on-one “dates”, as well as “group dates” with the family. Laugh and play together as a family. Make sure that you also have regular dinners together in your home and outside. This way, your teen knows that he can approach you anytime to discuss problems that have been bothering him.

Encourage your child to have a wide circle of friends. There are many areas where a child can meet friends such as school, the community center, your church or the local sports team.

Build your child’s sense of self and confidence. The teenage years is a time of doubt – about who they are, how they look. Make sure that you build your child and not tear him down. Find opportunities to praise him, point out his good qualities. A teenager with high self-esteem is more able to cope with stress than one who is riddled with self-doubt.

Encourage healthy outlets. This may come in the form of physical activity and sports. It may also be about hobbies and pasttimes. You can also encourage your child to express himself via a diary or journal. (Just make sure that you also respect your child’s privacy and resist the temptation to take a peek at what is written there.)

Finding help for our teens

Sometimes, it could also help to seek family therapy when family issues become a main source of teenage stress. Often, a teenager may need help expressing and processing his feelings and thoughts about a certain family situation. A licensed family therapist can help the teen thresh out the issues and the positive responses he can make.

There are also instances when problems with alcohol and drugs warrant the services of a substance abuse counselor to help the teen break out of his addictions. A family therapist that specializes and has experience handling teens would be a great help to teens as they try to learn to manage their stress.

Triston Morgan is one such therapist. He is licensed to practice marriage and family therapy in the state of Utah and he has had extensive experience treating adolescents, particularly in the area of substance use. Since starting his practice in Provo, Utah, Triston has been involved in wilderness therapy programs especially designed for teens. As a therapist in Utah, Triston is committed to helping local teens increase their emotional capacity and confidence.