No marriage is storm-proof. Even with the best of unions, there are storms that a couple has to face. Perhaps because of changes they experience personally – with their feelings about each other, their going through different phases in their lives or facing addictions, their having substance abuse problems. The storms may also be due to other factors – money problems, issues with in-laws and children, the stress brought about by work…and the list goes on.

Yes, you can expect stormy patches in a marriage – they will happen. Perhaps these stormy patches have you and your spouse tipping precariously close to divorce. The question is, how will you weather these storms and keep your marriage intact, even stronger for what you have both gone through. The good thing about weathering the storm together is that you emerge with more closeness and more trust in your partner as you get to know him or her better.

Here are a few simple reminders to help you as you face the storms in life:

–          Talk. Rather than sulk, talk it out. The damage that results are caused by miscommunication and by not understanding what the other spouse expects or wants. Don’t think that your spouse is a mind reader – he or she is not! Although there are times when no words are necessary, there will be more times when you will have to express how you feel and what you think about the problem you are currently facing.

–          Have realistic expectations of each other.  Before the storm even comes, it will be helpful to know what you expect from each other. Sometimes, we enter into a union without coming into a true understanding of our expectations from our partners and vice versa. Some crucial questions should be discussed that cover important topics like: rules about “fighting fairly” and resolving arguments, decision making, handling money, raising and disciplining children and spending time with each other. You should know beforehand what it is your partner needs from you in terms of showing affection and making him or her feel loved.

– Handle arguments constructively. If you must fight, you must agree beforehand that you will fight fairly. Sometimes, there is a temptation to be “historical”, rather than hysterical. Historical, in the sense that one tends to dredge up the other’s past sins for ammunition. When arguing, deal only with the issue at hand. Avoid the blame game and keep “you” statements away from the conversations. You statements such as “You never show me respect.” “You always do that.” put the focus on the person rather than the problem.

– Laugh together. A good sense of humor can do a lot to ease any tension and pressures resulting from what you are facing as a couple. Laugh together and you will find yourselves better (and more resilient) for it. As a couple, you can choose to face life’s trials with a joyful attitude or with a pessimistic and negative disposition.

– Reminisce about the happy times. Take time to go down memory lane – this will help give you more and more reasons why you stay together. Memories of better times will also give you the strength and fortitude to face the rough times ahead.

– Go get help. Sometimes the issues are too complicated or the wounds too deep for just the two of you to solve. Overcoming the storms may take outside help – don’t be afraid to go and seek the services of a trained professional who provides marriage counseling. A good marriage therapist will be able to effectively guide you and provide you with tools to help you build a stronger bond with your spouse and thus enable you to face the storms of life with a united front.

While Utah marriage therapy will not provide all the answers, it may provide you with a different perspective of the problem.

– Exercise patience. The storms usually do not go away after a day. Some storms in a marriage will need patience, commitment and gentleness. If you have been going for couples’ counseling, don’t expect results overnight. The damage that results from these storms may also take some time to fix and heal. Also, remember that you both can’t be perfect – you are bound to make mistakes. There may be times when you may need to have the spirit of forgiveness or to ask for forgiveness for both of you to recover.

– Take time for “we” and “me” time. Sometimes, you need to get out just to be able to see things from a different perspective. Go on a vacation together and come back rested and refreshed. However, there are also times when you need to have some space in your relationship – for you to go out with friends or to talk to someone you trust that can help give advice about your relationship.

Communication is key

For you and your spouse to emerge from a storm with your union intact and stronger, you need to root your relationship in communication. Getting a deeper understanding of each other will help you weather the storms. This is where a marriage therapist in Provo can help. He can provide you with a non-confrontational environment where you can discuss issues and where each partner can feel that he or she is truly heard.

If you are in the Provo, Utah area and are thinking of getting marriage or Utah family therapy, be sure to look for Dr. Triston Morgan. Dr. Morgan holds Ph. D in marriage and family therapy and is firmly committed to providing therapy services to build stronger marriages and families.

 

 

How do you treat mealtimes in your family? Do you take time to sit down and have a meal together? Or, are you becoming swept away by the chaos of everyday activities? Many families are in this situation: each family member runs through the kitchen and gets himself something to eat when hungry and they rarely sit down at the table and share a meal together. Well, you are not alone. The results of a research study by the University of Minnesota (through their Family and Social Services Department) showed that there is a 33% decline in the number of families who have family dinnertime as part of their routine.

Dinnertime: More than just eating

Mealtimes are not just about getting the necessary nutrition for you and your family. It’s actually a great opportunity for families to build stronger bonds. Mealtimes are also one effective way to center your family, to establish structure and stability for family members.

Here are some benefits of having regular family mealtimes:

–          Establishes routines and stronger family bonds. Family dinnertime can be a ritual that enriches the lives of each family member. Families who eat together have more opportunities to identify problems that children, especially teens, face. Parents can more easily intervene and help. With regular times spent around the table, everyone has the chance to talk about what happened to them during the day and listen to one another’s stories. As a result, families build stronger bonds with each other.

–          Serves as a vital teaching tool. Family dinnertime teaches young children table manners and conversation etiquette. It helps children learn how to hold a conversation with adults and also develop a stronger vocabulary as they listen to adults use words during the conversations.

–          Helps develop healthy lifestyles. Regular family dinnertimes are occasions for healthy and nutritious meals. Here, children learn how to eat (and enjoy!) vegetables and other healthy food. This is where you can also introduce new food without the child feeling that “those yucky vegetables” are being forced on them. Family mealtimes also do much to help prevent eating disorders in children. This is because having healthy (and delicious) food served during dinner time wards off the misconception that “eating healthy” is about eating food you hate while avoiding food you enjoy. In addition, eating together helps parents control the portions of the food being eaten. Portions of foods in fast food places and restaurants are increasing and these foods invariably are less healthy.

–          Helps make kids less vulnerable. According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University, teens are less likely to experiment with smoking, alcohol and drugs. In addition, kids are more likely to say no to premarital sex and be less vulnerable to depression. Teenagers who have less than three family dinners a week are found to be more susceptible to peer pressure.

Make time for Family Dinners

Here are some tips:

–          Keep it light and happy. Dinnertime with the family is not the place to make criticisms about other family members or discuss discipline or serious subjects. It’s a time to share what happened to each family member throughout the day. Ask questions like, “So what did you do today?” or “How was your day?”. Dinners don’t have to be formal affairs, nor does it entail a gourmet meal. It can involve something as simple as eating Chinese takeout or a pizza together.

–          Set a time for family mealtimes. As you set a time for family meals, keep each other’s schedules in mind. Set up a way to call all members to the table so that you avoid any wrangling and discussions about family members coming to the table late. Mind you, it does not have to be an evening meal. What matters is that family members understand that this is an important time for the family to be together. You can have a late Sunday brunch together or a quick breakfast before you head off for the day.

–          Shut out distractions. Allow the answering machine to take phone calls. Turn off the television so that the family can focus on each other.

–          Keep each other company. Even if parents need to eat out, this does not mean that children should eat by themselves. As much as possible, join your child at the table, even if it’s just to give your child some company while he or she eats.

–          Share in the dinner chores. Assign tasks to family members, including dinner preparation, setting the table and cleaning up after. Get kids involved in preparing the food.

–          Don’t let your teens stay away from dinner. Even if it means having a grumpy teen at the table, insist on having each family member present for dinnertime (unless there is some acceptable reason why a member is absent).

–          Don’t let mealtimes be a battle over trying out new foods. Encourage your kids to try out the broccoli and the peas but don’t engage them in battle over it.

–          End the meal together. Don’t let anyone rush in and out of the dinner table. You as a parent should be the one to indicate when the meal is over.

Making time for family dinner can be a challenge but it can be done.

When intervention is necessary

Family dinnertimes are helpful in keeping children and teens grounded, but there are times when intervention is still necessary to strengthen family bonds and help a child break free from harmful behaviors. A substance abuse counselor will be helpful when your child is battling against drugs, smoking and alcohol.

In cases where there are key issues that a family needs help with or damaged relationships that need healing, the family members should consider family therapy sessions. These sessions can help members of the family work to strengthen relationships as they grow as individuals. Couples who are undergoing problems with their relationship can also go for marriage counseling.

This is where Triston Morgan can help. Triston is a licensed marriage and family therapist who practices in Provo, Utah. He holds a Master’s Degree in marriage and family therapy from Loma Linda University (in California) and a PhD from Brigham Young University (in Utah). He provides couples counseling and ENRICH/PREPARE courses for engaged and married couples.